In 1998 I turned 19. This guy here was only 19 years old - 22 years ago.
This was the end of my freshman year in college and my sophomore year I traveled to a different city to a new school, only 31 miles away, and got my first apartment with a high school friend as a roommate. During that summer I was still working for a catering company owned by the jeweler at the jewelry store I'd worked for since high school. Richard, the owner of the B&B/catering company, had hired a love interest to help him run his thriving business. I'd been employed the longest of all the guys that worked for him as cater waiters and other various duties as staff. The pay was amazing - $12 per hour and the money rolled in with every party. Tips were amazing. I also was the one who polished silver and kept everything in order for parties and guests - almost like a general manager. I always had money to shop as I pleased and could be generous with my friends when we went out to eat and could buy things for family that they wanted or needed. My grandmother had passed away in 1995 and she was the one that floated people in our family when they needed help and I was glad to step up to the plate and help those same people when needed. Being independent and also being able to help others was and still is something I feel the need to do. I also enjoy it.
That summer there was a shift in my situation. The new "partner" in this business was, in my opinion, taking advantage of an opportunity to be in charge of "the boys" and dictate who did what and when. I worked a little less than I had been but I was also further away and had a job as an SI, worked in the Dean's office for the school of business, and also for the catering service for the school as host at all social events. I had a pretty full plate but I never turned down an opportunity to work. Others partied and I worked. It was my safe place.
Working for five years for Richard came with its challenges. He was openly gay and very aggressive. He would put his employees in compromising situations and I was an advocate on their behalves. In effect, I was a cock blocker for guys he would let get drunk and he tried to take advantage of them. His pursuing me never went as far as the other because upon my being hired at 14, my grandmother and a couple of other family members told him he'd be looking down the barrel of a shotgun if he made me the target of his lewd advances. He did try a couple of times to woo me into his bedroom but it was never a huge effort and my "no" actually meant no.
I'd thought I was gay by this point but the only example of gay I had was seeing these local queens get sloppy drunk and be nasty to one another and flaunt their sexual escapades with each other and it was demeaning and cruel how they talked about people they'd been intimate with. If this is what being gay meant, I was defiantly not gay. There was no internet presence then, no TV examples of successful and strong gay characters. I made my mind up of what was what and went on to keep myself safe and sane. I was also afraid to be viewed as the examples that were set before me with no real direction to go but my own. It was a slippery log that covered this creek but I was confident I had good balance.
Parties at night around the pool were always fun. Music, open bar, the society of the town were out and let their hair down. I knew all these people from working at the jewelry store as well as my mom and grandmother being part of this scene. I was a confident guy with convictions and a path that worked for me. It wasn't until a Dr.s party for the medical society one evening in the early days of summer that I had my first encounter with something that I let my guard down and I regretted for years afterwards. After the party was over and everything was cleared and being put away I was left with the number 2 in command and everyone else was sent home. We were wrapping glasses and other utensils on trays to be carried to a different location for a party the next night. It was one of those hot and sticky summer nights in south Arkansas and after loading the truck and having worked all night my clothes were glued to me and I both of us were gross after working almost 10 hours. "Let's get in the pool" I was approached with. It was after midnight and of course all I had to get in the pool with was my underwear. I was offered a beer and I took it to be polite but maybe had 3 sips of it - I didn't drink at that time because I was underaged - and we both cooled off in the still water. We talked about working and duties and people and I felt like I was becoming closer to him like I was with Richard. Kind of job security but also taking the opportunity to know and learn from someone else. As I got out of the pool he pulled me back in and I didn't think anything of it and said I had to go home. He put his arm around me and kissed me. I didn't want this to happen. As I pulled away and said that I really had to go he pulled me back and said it'd be a shame for me to leave. And I said it was late and time to go to which he replied it would be a shame for me to never come back.
It took about 2 seconds for me to realize what this meant.
I got out of the pool and went in the changing area and started to change clothes alone. Then he came in as I was getting dressed and was naked and aroused. There is the part of any human that is curious and at this point in my life I knew that I was attracted to men but I'd never acted on it. I continued to get dressed and he said "don't you enjoy the money you make here?" I said I did. As he approached me and I backed away he said "just letting me suck you off won't mean anything but maybe some job security".
So, in what seemed like standing there for 30 minutes but in reality was probably one 5 seconds I thought about all the checks I'd written to people, all the clothes I'd bought, the car I'd bought with cash, the little trips I'd taken, and the position I had in society as being that smart guy working for a good business who will definitely be going places - and that desire to be intimate with someone in a way I never had before and secretly yearned to have and I didn't stop him from his final advance.
I gave in. I lost my virginity that night. We went all the way, too. I laid down and took what he wanted to forcibly give me. He didn't hold a gun to my head but looking back, it was almost the same thing. After it was over I was ashamed that I enjoyed this. As he got off of me and wiped himself down and said he had to go and to lock up when I left I watched him get dressed and leave. I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. That sort of sobbing that you just fucked yourself over and if there were a time machine that cost $1,000,000 to operate you'd mortgage your internal organs to go back just 1 hour to correct the mistake you'd just made.
As I got dressed and ready to leave I got panicked. I thought back to all the parties with all these older, bitter queens drinking and professing their latest trick where no holds were barred....I was going to be one of those stories. I didn't sleep at all and got ready to go to work at the jewelry store the next morning and then back to Richard's that evening for another party. When I got there this same guy approached me and tried to kiss me and I refused but Richard saw this and immediately understood what was going on. After work that evening Richard pulled me aside and wanted conformation of what happened and I lied. I lied that gross stream of consciousness of lies that only reveals the truth. I said I'd had too much to drink and didn't remember what had happened the night before. I didn't even believe it myself. I can tell an engaging story everyone will believe but a lie is not something I've ever been able to pull off.
The next day I was summoned to Richards house and he and #2 sat me down and told me I was a disgrace to let this happen and then lie about it. To fight my own sexuality and involve them in a petty game. I was fired. I handed over my key to the houses they operated and was told I would pay for trying to entangle them in a charade and"anyone that can take 8 inches up the ass can't claim they've never had anal sex before". But it was true and I hated myself for letting this happen and also noticeably enjoying it.
Everything I'd done up to this point in my life to try to have some sense of style, grace, and decorum was ripped from me and set on fire. I was scared and ill at the thought of what their wrath would be. Guys I'd been friends and worked with for years contacted me one on one and wanted to know if it was true that I got fired for fucking Richard's lover to which I answered them all with "I didn't really understand what was going on and I'm sorry".
I still went to work every Saturday at the jewelry store but I stayed in my college town all other times. I now had a girlfriend, the sweetest and unmistakably the prettiest girl in school. I loved her with all my heart because she was beautiful inside and out but our intimacy never felt 100% and I knew why. Rumors flew but thanks to the blind ignorance of the masses if I had a girlfriend of course I wasn't gay. I didn't even understand what being gay was because I thought it was being conniving and mean but a couple of years later I had to forge my own way and had the hardest talk of my life with my girlfriend and we both understood that we had done nothing wrong but couldn't ignore the way I was and what she deserved from a significant other. She graduated a year before I did and left and I spent my senior year alone. I did figure myself out. I realized that I could be me and that was ok. I had the coming out talk with my mom and she only replied "I know". I did later reconcile with Richard, after he and his lover/business partner split and he saw that the point of them being together was to better one person only. I later was able to confide in Richard about things and we understood my coming out was difficult and that was caused by fear and not shame. I came out on the other side of this tragic point in my life an more understanding and conscious person but it was a very rough time to endure.
Now, here we are 22 years later. Time marches on but the same issues exist. Some of the guys I worked with came to me with their fears and troubles with being gay and other with the same scenario of being cornered to do things they didn't agree with. On campus I would visit privately with people that didn't have anyone to talk to about the problems they had facing their sexuality and also issues they fought at home.
I'm not proud of the way I lost my virginity that night or how I handled it afterwards but it did give me an understanding of how to help people during the most difficult times of their lives and recognize those that are hurting and for that I have turned that shame into a point of reference to help whomever says they need it.
