The 90's were a time of luxury and excitement.

This body style premiered in 1991, ran through 1996 and this particular model has the Corvette V8 with towing package - that means it has 260 hp and can tow up to 5,000 pounds.  It's a beast and this one is all mine.  

When I was 12 years old the first gen of this model came out and I was obsessed with the re-release of the Roadmaster with its rear wheel drive V8 luxury presence.  I'd beg my mother to take me to the Buick dealer everyday to see if a wagon had popped up no the lot but we were always met with just the sedan.  I knew every inch of that car and it turns out I still do.  But, back to 1991.  Of course mom got tired of the same detour everyday and stopped shuttling me there for over a week.  One night I made up my mind to just go there myself.  I'd driven a truck on the back country roads and in the pasture behind the house so, I had this.  I tooled up to the dealership in my mom's vehicle on my quest but all I found were sedans.  Unfortunately one was a 1991 Chevy Caprice - black and white - the local fuzz.  He asked me what I was doing there and why I was out at 2am and I just stood there looking at him like a tree full of owls. "How did you get here, son?  Is this your vehicle?  Can I see your drivers license?"  After what seemed an eternity he asked for my home phone number and he had a call patched through dispatch and I heard it ring more than 20 times until finally there was a dramatic and low "hello".  Do you know where your son is?  "He's in his bed."  Would you mind checking?  .........."where is he?"  Mom woke up a neighbor to bring her up there and she drove me home.  The cop thought it was funny - so funny that he never stopped laughing at the reason why I was there and when mom showed up he said "Bring your son up here and save the trouble next time".  She was NOT amused.  This led to, even to present day, anyone in my family asking if I'd seen any good new cars lately.  I'll never live it down or that I wrecked my first car at 3 - I'll tell you about that some other time.

Here we are 30 years later and I have the wagon I dreamed about way back then.  She needs a little love but it's a rolling project that I'll replace and freshen up as I can.  I need a hauler and this one fits the bill - in aces!  I'd had this planned for months just waiting for the auction date, which was yesterday, but it's funny that it comes directly after the announcement that I booked a SAG commercial shooting this week.  It made me think of what Martha Stewart said about Kevin Hart at his Comedy Central Roast after he had his first movie role and the fact my debit card's chip wouldn't work to pay for the vehicle and I ended up having to use a credit card to pay for it made me laugh out loud.  

Let's hear it for the slab sided luxury sled.  Merry Christmas to me!

 I'm July 28, she's the 29th and according to Janice - I'm older.

In life we meet people that we have an instant connection with and that was Janice and I at a Halloween party about 8 years ago.  I'd eaten at her restaurant, Parigi, for years (when I could afford it) and seen her many times.  We had many of the same friends but the night she was Lucy and I was Maureen O'Hara, two redheads became instant friends.

I was a cater waiter for many years in my youth and I grew up in the restaurant business.  I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do as a career path but I do respect those who are immensely.  Janice has owned her restaurant for over 20 years and is one of the most celebrated local business owners in our city with countless connections and customers ranging from regulars with their usual seats to catering parties to private dinners.  I can say from experience that it's always perfect. 

Attending an "intimate family dinner" at her home, I brought a few desserts as a gift.  A few weeks later she came to my home to assess a little square of land to possibly put in a victory garden to grow fresh vegetables and herbs for the restaurant (that didn't work out because of the lack of morning sun and abundance of afternoon sun) but we started talking about her need for a consistent pie vendor.  We toiled over the fact that if a whole 9" pie was cut and not served completely in the same night - it was too compromised to last two or even three nights and that was a problem.  I reached in my cabinet and pulled out six 6" pyrex tart dishes and suggested that I make individual pies that she could market as "table desserts" or individual pies.  I took six buttermilk pies to the restaurant the next night and they all sold in that evening.  That was 6 years and 598 invoices ago.  We've both been written up individually for our accomplishments over previous years but articles since with both her business and my desserts in the same paragraph feels like a match made in heaven.  

Janice is a sincere and amazingly generous person.  She doesn't shower people with gifts or money but she encourages and provides opportunities to people she believes in.  I think she's an angel. This source of income has provided me with the bridge-gap I've needed over the past couple of years to stay afloat.  Also, recently I told her about a guy in my acting class that needed a better and more worldly job and she had an opening for new host - he got the job.  I'm proud to have connected she and Elijah Paul and I look forward to an abundance of opportunities that this will provide for him.

The best part about knowing good people is helping them when they need it and also accepting their help when I do. 

 Room for 8!

I've had two of these Buick box wagons and they will always have a special place in my heart.  It all started with "Adventures in Babysitting" and seeing one at our local Buick dealer in my hometown.  The first I had was a 1990 and the one above was a 1983 I traded the '90 for.  We had six months together.  I replaced the entire front brake system, the speedometer housing (special for that year only - try finding that!), new tires, new hubcaps, NOS steering wheel, OEM factory stereo, and exhaust system.  While I was in New York an ice storm came through Dallas and while it was at the repair shop another car slid into it and demolished the rear passenger door and the shop repainted it a COMPLETELY different of blue and couldn't match the woodgrain.  It looked like a demo-derby contender.  I filed on my insurance to get the door repaired correctly that also meant re-wrapping the entire car in new woodgrain decals.  When the decal material came in and I was driving it to the shop, I stopped at a stop sign and wondered what the loud noice was - well, the engine slung a rod.  $3,800 to replace.  I decided to pull the plug on this dream machine.  In total I only took a $3,000 loss on the whole thing - offset by the insurance check.  In life we have to determine when to just let go.  6 months. 

Now let's talk about eight years.  I've been a full time actor for eight years.  I decided to put it all in for this dream of mine after I was laid off from a mortgage company back in 2013.  For eight years I've operated at a loss from my acting income - I've never booked a SAG gig.  This year I've only booked/worked on three very low pay non-union commercials - no TV or movie bookings.  I feel like my career is about to need a new engine...

I went to my hometown for the Thanksgiving holiday and I can't tell if going home makes me sad or if I'm just sad.  Maybe I'll try to find a wagon to lift my spirits!  :) 

 Be careful what you ask for!

After I signed with my SE agent a couple of months back, we've been getting a lot of auditions and the commercial auditions have really picked up in Texas as well.  I missed a deadline for an audition from my agent in ATL, Jana, filming in New Orleans about he Mike Tyson limited series.  I have never missed an audition deadline before and I guess there is a first time for everything but I can't stop thinking about it.  

Tonight I'm going to a friends house for a Friendsgiving - I plan to have enough to drink and eat to forget this tragedy - at least for a little while.

 Well, it finally happened.  A whole week flew by and I missed it all - no blog until the eleventh hour!  

I had five auditions to get on tape for commercials last week on top of helping my friend, who I bake pies for her restaurant every day, set up and cater-waiter a party.  I ran the gamut from A-Z for logistics on furniture placement for a friend of mine in her great room in her new house only to have the advice dismissed - that was a day of my life I'll never get back but it WAS fun to realize I can still work the math for those results.  I was stood up for 3 hours for a breakfast with another friend but thankfully was intercepted by an old neighbor and had a chance to have breakfast with him on Sunday.  

My upstairs neighbor has started to run the vacuum at 5:30 am on Saturdays.  I REALLY miss living in my own house where I could control what went on on both floors.

After a week of WHAT THE FUCK, I'm ready for a little bit of normalcy...you know, like a near heart attack from too much coffee or a ruptured bladder from holding it for too long.

How was your week?

-J.R.

 Have you ever had a hero you never met?  Mine was a trail boss for the Circle C. Riding Club. 

My grandfather is on my top five list of people that I wish I'd have met at least once.  He was the second child of nine and the one responsible for supporting his family after his father left them.  That was a high and dry moment, in the middle of the depression, when my great grandfather left town with his secretary and the payroll from his logging company.  My grandfather stepped in and went to work for a competitor while in the eighth grade and drove the trucks to transport the logs to market.  At one point he left with the circus that was in town (Bluff City, AR) and traveled with them to St. Louis.  He lost the money he had saved to send home in a card game and when the circus left town without him, he walked home over 400 miles.  He wore out a pair of shoes and learned the lesson of "If it sounds too good to be true, it is".  The only other time he gambled in his life was after quite some convincing from my grandmother to invest in a new company that stock was being offered first through employees of International Paper Co., Xerox.  For once it really was that easy but that's a story for another time. 

My grandparents grew up a few miles away from each other in the woods of Nevada County, AR, and courted each other until my grandfather, Raleigh, was drafted for service for WWII.  He left for San Diego and even though several men tried to court my grandmother, Virginia, she wasn't serious about anyone but Raleigh and when he sent a letter to Virginia for her father saying that if he let her travel out to California, he would marry her.  With the fare in the same envelope, she left the next day.  She lived with he brother that was also stationed in San Diego until Raleigh took her to Yuma, AZ and were married.  A man of his word.  They were married on March 15, 1943 and my mother was born on December 31st the same year.  

Raleigh was an MP judo expert in the army and also a truck driver.  He was captured by the enemy and was a POW in Stalag for two years.  He slept in a bathtub and ate grass to survive.  In our family whenever someone would say "I'm starving to death" the response is always "Don't let Raleigh hear you say that".  In a very low voice he would say "you don't even know hungry is".  

Saying he was fond of horses was an understatement.  He had a couple of registered American Bread Saddle horses and a Tennessee Walker that he gave my mother as a teenager.  He and my grandmother  only had one child and they also both worked.  He was a master welder for IPCo. and my grandmother was the statistician for the mill.  They had a good living and helped their families however they could from a few dollars to help raise several of the kids that had a less loving and fortunate home life.  My mother was a daddy's girl despite regular ribs from him like the time a fella' called to ask her on a date and she wasn't home.  When he told her some boy called and she asked who it was he replied "I don't know but I told him to call back - in about 4 years".  There was also the time he taught a nephew how to trim a tree from the top down by tying a rope to the boy's belt loop and having him shimmy to the top of the tree having him loop it then throw the rope back down and tying the RUNNING chainsaw to it and hoisting it up to the kid.  That boy was so proud to tell his mom what he'd been trusted to do that day but she didn't think it was too wonderful and let Raleigh have an earful of her concerns.  When the two went back out the next weekend, Raleigh simply told the boy; "There are some things we don't tell the women".  I think that's a pretty good lesson in knowing when to keep your mouth shut.  He also traded a hi-fi record player and some 45's with $50 to his cousin for a Cadillac for my moms first car - sadly, that was short lived because about a month later he traded the Cadillac for a Maytag.  When mom asked where her car was he replied "Your mom needed a new washing machine."  $100 investment traded for a $400 machine - not bad for him but sorry mom.  

He worked until he had his first heart attack in 1968 and his heart doctor, Dr. Michael DeBecky, told him he'd like to do a heart transplant but when he explained Raleigh would have to decrease his activities of yard work, hunting, and horseback riding, he told the good doctor that he'd just ride it out.  Ride it out he did until December 17, 1970.  He'd retired and did exactly what he wanted to do until that Saturday and while out squirrel hunting his heart exploded and he died doing exactly what he wanted to do.

Raleigh was only 5'7" and about 160 lbs but anyone who described him would say that he was a big man and someone they looked up to.  He only ever wrote two checks his entire life, Virginia kept the books, and one of those checks was in 1969 to buy his wife a 1.53 carat diamond solitaire ring - that he gave to her in a Hershey's box.  She cried when she saw the box from disappointment and then cried again when he slipped the ring on her finger.  I now wear the same diamond in a ring I had made for myself after my mother passed away in 2015.  

If I could take a ride down the trail with this boss, it would be heaven on Earth.  There are so many things I'd like to ask him and learn about.  All I have a other people's memories of him and their time spent together - and for that I'm grateful.  I carry his name and hope that I've made him proud - a man I never met but will always look up to.  

 Five weeks.  

When I signed with Jana VanDyke in Atlanta, she told me it'd take a while for me to start getting auditions but to be ready for them when they started rolling in.  That was six weeks ago.  Last week I got my first audition for "Cobra Kai"with Paris-Feldstein casting and then one for "The Game" with Erica Arvold.  This week I got my second audition for "Cobra Kai".  We didn't have an expected time when auditions would start since I'm the new guy in town on her rosters BUT, we didn't expect it to be this quickly.  I made the right decision and I'm so grateful for the referral from Linda to join JVA.

I've always been confident even when I didn't know what the hell was going on.  It's a BS trait I inherited from a very active gene pool.  However, the real confidence to do what is necessary both behind and in front of the camera took about 8 years to realize.  The last two years have been the most influential.  The two most influential people have been Sally Allen and Toni Brock.  Oh, I can't forget Becky T...she'd kill me.   I owe them more than I can ever repay.  

I'm in a good place right now and I'm excited to see what happens next because nobody ever got ahead by standing in one place.  

-J.R. B.

 Hey, J.R. from Dallas!  Haha, so handsome.  Three nights of drinking everything but the bath water proved to be very entertaining!

I ventured off to Natchez, Mississippi this past Thursday for a 3 day "weekend" of fundraising events for a very worthy cause, Y'all means All - Natchez.  It's an organization that raises money for LGBTQ+ youth suicide prevention.  I drove in Thursday and stayed with my longtime friends Steve and Windell at their plantation home, Traveler's Rest.  We attended a drag queen bingo the first night and I was the lucky audience member that was singled out for their comedy relief.  I always give it back 2 fold and they played right along.  Being J.R. from Dallas was a great gag - and an everlasting one...we topped it off with afters "under the hill".  I don't remember anything until lunch the next day at the Carriage House at Stanton Hall.  TIED.ONE.ON!  

The second night was a wonderful event hosted at Choctaw Hall that's downtown with an after party with a disco theme...in an upstairs address with NO air conditioning.  I'm determined to join the board so I can verify all venues next year will have adequate AC.  Have you ever seen a drag queen melt?  It's funny - just not for her.  The host was a local flavor, Josalyn Royale, and her co- host was a former RuPaul's drag race contestant, Mrs. Kasha Davis.  Both were lovely.  Both were over it.  

Night three started with a wonderful pre-drink at a private residence, Myrtle Terrace.  The hosts, Jim and Jeff were so gracious and I met at least 20 people I'd never laid eyes on before.  I've gone to Natchez practically every year of my life so that's quite a feat.  One gentleman stood out and was a real prize.  He used to live in Dallas and it turns out that he lived directly across the street from my old house in Perry Heights.  Cliff Redd also was the first executive director of the Shakespeare Guild in Dallas.  I left there and ran over to the Castle restaurant at Dunleith and met Del Shores for a drink before heading over to the main event of the weekend, The Battle of the Belles.  Our drag hosts were present and a very special guest entertainer, Leslie Jordan.  Tate Taylor was also in the audience with his husband, John.  I didn't get the opportunity to meet them.  There was an after party at a tiny little hole in the wall, Smoot's.  When I walked in the gal with the wrist bands, just as every stop after the first night, said "J.R. from Dallas, we're glad you're here!"  I guess the next trip will have to include my bringing a Sue Ellen.  Like that would be hard.

I got back this evening and I'm so tired that my ass is dragging out my tracks but I can't tell you how glad I am that I went.  I've never had less than a magical time in Natchez and I look forward to many, many more!  Next time, come with!  

Brandishing their immense talent - six women packed quite a "Fire-Ant Punch" in Northwest Arkansas.

I traveled up to Fayetteville this weekend to see the new and set for Broadway play, Designing Women, by original creator, Linda Bloodworth-Thomason.  It was like going home in so many ways; experiencing the names and personalities, and seeing their opinions about the last 4 years based on how they would have reacted 30 years ago.

This play can be streamed live from Theatre2.org  and I feel it's well worth the time/money if you can't be there live.  

I needed a delightful get-away after a week of ten-fold audition notifications from Casting Networks that was actually just one audition but glitches with the system caused 15 notifications to go out and no notifications via email or text so this looked like 15 were due in 1 day.  Not the kind of "keyed up" I needed to be for a big Walker audition as the guest-starring role for the episode.  There was a BCS audition but they're always just crumbs -  even if it is a great resume builder.  Love and Death have slowed down to the block 3 casting - I've been in all three blocks for auditions - from guest star to now Jury foreman with "We have your honor" as the one line.  

So, I'll stick to my laurels; I'll take the crumbs and build my own sandwich.  

 Cryptic text or was it just the best that "voice to text" has to offer?

A text from Bobby Scott Curtis (Rob) in Fayetteville came through yesterday morning.  He let me know that a man had knocked on his door earlier that week and was the father of one of his former New York assistants and after he left, said assistant contacted Rob to ask if I still baked treats and if I could ship them.  I was to expect an order via email from the mother and it was for her friend, Linda Thompson.  When I finally got a chance to call Rob and confirm what he was talking about - we fit some puzzle pieces together.  Later the mother contacted me and placed an order with a personal note to be included in the package as an apology for missing her friends play that was premiering in Fayetteville Friday night.  

Got it.

But when I got the email it became clear that there was one puzzle piece that was inserted upside down - the recipient wasn't Linda Thompson, it was Linda Bloodworth-Thomason.  The play is "Designing Women" and it's the world premier we're talking about.  (The purchaser is just a noteworthy but I'll divulge that on a face to face basis.)

Now I've really got it.

So, what does a mega fan of the original series do with this opportunity?  I'm baking a dozen each of my oatmeal toffee, chocolate chip, and tea cakes to send with the purchaser's personal note.  The daughter/assistant is encouraging me to put my headshot and resume in the package with a personal greeting and a little back story on me as well.  Above all things I know that we have to respect the privacy of people that are, how do I say this, better known than I - but, is this the right or wrong opportunity to cross that line?  There is a 2021 Designing Woman TV movie script that is complete according to IMDB...

Advice welcome...!

Off to bake the cookies!  

 On October 1, 2015, my mother made her final dramatic exit.  Making up her own mind to not go through dialysis after finding out her one remaining kidney was failing, she stopped eating and drinking until three days later it was all over.  No-one knew her intentions but after finding the doctor's report from the Monday before she died, it was clear what she'd learned and what her final decision was.  Stubborn? Yes. Insanely smart? Yes. The most complicated person I'd ever known and tried to love was a woman everyone in the world called Doll Baby.  

I had taken a writer's class with Del Shores shortly after she passed away and wrote a short script about the phone call my grandparents got in 1968 informing them their daughter and then husband had been in a severe car accident while out of town.  The husband, Tommy, didn't make it and died on their trip to the hospital two hours away.  After sorting through some of mother's private papers I realized there was more to the story and continued to write the then short script into a full length screenplay.  I had some help about a year ago from Patricia Resnick, original writer of the movie and later musical 9 to 5.  Great feedback and some really good direction on how to take care of the "so whats" helped bring the story to life.  It started with a way to deal with the pain of losing the only parent I ever knew (but did I really know her?).  Below is a lengthy excerpt from the beginning of the screenplay.  It was a scenario we played out all too often - same emotion, different circumstances. 

The 1st of this month was 6 years since she's been gone and I guess she has been on my mind a lot lately.  Let me introduce you to my mother:

J.R. - OFFICE - AFTERNOON

               J.R., 40, a mortgage underwriting VP, sits in his office
               crunching numbers.  His phone rings.

                                   J.R.
                         Underwriting.  This is J.R.

               PHONE CONVERSATION IS ONLY GLORIA'S VOICE.

                                   GLORIA
                         Hello Underwriting, this is your
                         mother.

                                   J.R.
                         Hello mother, this is your son.

                                   GLORIA
                         You busy?

               J.R. Eyes a big stack of files.

                                   J.R.
                         Nah.  How's your hammer hangin'?

                                   GLORIA
                         Well, I just got back from Piggs. 
                         For the second time.  They forgot
                         to ring up my orange juice at the
                         sale price.

                                   J.R.
                         You drove back across town to get
                         $.30?  

                                   GLORIA
                         It's the principle!  I think that
                         checker, Sheri, has it out for me. 
                         You remember the one with the lazy
                         eye?

                                   J.R.
                         Yeah, I could really use her.  I
                         bet she can 10 key like a beast and
                         still keep an eye on Jill making
                         personal phone calls.

               J.R. Yells out of his office to a co-worker.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Jill!  I need the approvals for
                         those Janecek refis by 3!

                                   GLORIA
                         Tell her I said hi.

                                   J.R.
                         Later.  She's got enough
                         distractions right now.  Speaking
                         of - what can I do for you?

                                   GLORIA
                         I bought a pork tenderloin.

                                   J.R.
                         Mmmhmmm...You making us dinner?

                                   GLORIA
                         I can't wait until 10:00 to eat.

                                   J.R.
                         How about I drive in this Friday? 

               J.R. pulls a box out of his desk drawer labled "home movies"

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Actually, I have a little something
                         for you.
                          

                                   GLORIA
                         Property taxes are due on the
                         timber.

               J.R. Looks a little agitated but flips through a file and
               pushes on.

                                   J.R.
                         And I'll bring my checkbook.

                                   GLORIA
                         Don't work to hard sweetheart.

                                   J.R.
                         Yes, Mother.

               J.R. hangs up the phone.



               INT. GLORIA'S HOUSE - AFTER 5.

               J.R. Pulls up in his car and walks towards the house.

               Inside the kitchen there is a glass of scotch on the counter
               and the table is set except for the pork that's sitting on
               the stove.  J.R. Walks in with his bag and a little box.

                                   J.R.
                         Hello?  I'm looking for the lady
                         who washes...

               Nobody answers.  J.R. picks up the glass of scotch and takes
               a whiff.  He takes a sip.  

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Mama?

               GLORIA, 70's, big hair, dressed in a white button down,
               jeans, pearls, big rings, and a Sam Moon tiara walks in the
               room.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Howdy Mrs. Aster.

               Gloria walks over and gives him a big hug and as he
               reciprocates she slightly winces in pain.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         What's...

                                   GLORIA
                         Oh, my fibro is acting up.

               J.R. Looks pensive then walks over and starts to cut the
               meat.  Gloria takes her scotch and goes over to the table and
               sits down.

               J.R. Clocks a prescription bottle - pain killers.  Nothing
               new.

               J.R. and Gloria sit at the table.

                                   GLORIA (CONT'D)
                         How was your drive?

                                   J.R.
                         Uneventful.  How's your scotch?

               Gloria jiggles her glass and smiles.

                                   GLORIA
                         It's good to have you home.  

               They both help their plates.



               INT: KITCHEN GLORIA'S HOUSE AFTER DINNER.

               J.R. Is washing off plates and Gloria pours another scotch
               then exits to the living room.

                                   GLORIA
                         I think I'll pull an Aunt Jo and...

               J.R. grins sheepishly 

                                   J.R.
                         Lock yourself in the bathroom until
                         I'm done?

                                   GLORIA
                         I'll be in the living room.

               J.R. Closes the dishwasher and picks up the prescription
               bottle and sees the date of refill was 5 days ago.  30 pills -
               he opens the bottle and sees there are only 10 pills in
               there.  Still, nothing new.

                                   J.R.
                         20 pills in 5 days...she's tapering
                         off.



               INT: LIVING ROOM

               Gloria is 1/2 laying down on the sofa with a crossword and a
               pen but not working the puzzle and J.R. Is sitting in the
               chair next to her.

                                   J.R.
                         Hard one?  Is it the Times puzzle?

                                   GLORIA
                         Mmmhmm.  

                                   J.R.
                         What was it your mom said about
                         working a crossword with an ink
                         pen?

                                   GLORIA
                         Confidence.  

               Beat.

                                   J.R.
                         What ya wanna' do?  Watch a movie? 
                         Play canasta?  Go throw rocks in
                         the lake?

                                   GLORIA
                         I've been thinking...

                                   J.R.
                         Did you enjoy it?

                                   GLORIA
                         Were you in the storage room the
                         last time you were home?

                                   J.R.
                         Huh?

                                   GLORIA
                         Some stuff was moved around.

                                   J.R.
                         I swear I don't know how you can
                         tell in 10,000 square feet of junk.

               Gloria getting noticeably upset.

                                   GLORIA
                         Well, it's my junk!  

                                   J.R.
                         Now don't get all tits a flutter. 
                         You're already asking that bra to
                         do all it can.

               J.R. Gets up and gets the box he came in with and hands it to
               Gloria.  Her mood instantly changes.

                                   GLORIA
                         What's this?

                                   J.R.
                         Open it and find out.

               Gloria opens the box and it's 8MM reels and a DVD.  It's
               actually a DVD of home movies J.R. had converted.

                                   GLORIA
                         Is this what you took out of my
                         room?

                                   J.R.
                         Yes.  And I can make more for you
                         to give to the family.

                                   GLORIA
                         Why waste your money?  I've seen
                         these - that's enough.

               J.R. Should be surprised but isn't.  This is typical
               behavior... what's hers is hers.

                                   J.R.
                         I've not seen them yet.  How about -
                         we watch it?

               J.R. walks over to the player and puts the DVD in.

                                   GLORIA
                         Did you put all those reels on
                         here?

                                   J.R.
                         Yeah.  They were dated so I just
                         had them put in that order.

               Gloria looks miffed.  

                                   GLORIA
                         I wish you'd have asked me first.

                                   J.R.
                         What's the big deal?  

               Beat.
                         I thought you'd like this.  Can we
                         just enjoy the sentiment?

                                   GLORIA
                         You just did this so you could
                         watch...

                                   J.R.
                         Yes mother.  I'm selfish and wanted
                         to force you to watch old home
                         movies to make me happy.

               Gloria has to stew a minute.  J.R. gets him a glass and
               brings the bottle of scotch back with him to the living room. 
               He tops off her glass.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Now, would you like to tell me
                         what's really bothering you?

                                   GLORIA
                         I just wish you would have asked me
                         first.

                                   J.R.
                         That kinda' ruins a surprise.

               Gloria takes a swig of scotch.

                                   GLORIA
                         OK.  Put it on.

               J.R. Turns on the TV and starts the movie.

               They both watch and comment on who is who.

                                   GLORIA (CONT'D)
                         There's Daddy.  Oh God, that was
                         the Christmas he sawed the turkey
                         in half.

                                   J.R.
                         Why is he smiling like that?

                                   GLORIA
                         He was just being a ham.

                                   J.R.
                         Right there - in front of the
                         turkey... 

               Gloria looks at her son in a "you're a dumb ass but I still
               love you" way.  Then she sees her mother and starts to tear
               up.

                                   GLORIA
                         Oh, there's Mama.  Oh, Lord.  I
                         miss her SO MUCH.

               J.R. Tries to smooth over the awkwardness.  This happens
               every time she sees a picture of her mother.

                                   J.R.
                         Where is this?  The house on Old
                         Wire Road?

                                   GLORIA
                         Yes

                                   J.R.
                         That linoleum floor was blinding. 

                                   GLORIA
                         That's 27 layers of paste wax.

               They both laugh.  Virginia was very meticulous. 

                                   J.R.
                         Which dog is that?

                                   GLORIA
                         That was Daddy's prize bird dog,
                         Jinx.  Did I ever tell you about
                         someone stealing him?

                                   J.R.
                         No.

                                   GLORIA
                         Jinx went missing and after 2 or 3
                         days Daddy figured someone must
                         have taken him but nobody saw
                         anything.  So, he went to a
                         psychic.

                                   J.R.
                         What?

                                   GLORIA
                         He was desperate.

                                   J.R.
                         What happened.

                                   GLORIA
                         Well, the lady told him a whole
                         bunch of stuff but basically that
                         the dog had been taken by someone
                         who lived in a white house on a
                         corner lot across from a KFC in a
                         town in Texas that sounded like
                         Pumpkin.

                                   J.R.
                         That sounds like a bunch of
                         bullshit.

                                   GLORIA
                         He was desperate!  He also
                         remembered his buddy Cecile came by
                         with a man Ce had just bought a dog
                         from and when Daddy called him to
                         ask who that man was he found out
                         he was from LUFKIN, TX...Then Daddy
                         drove to LUFKIN.  Circled the
                         blocks downtown and saw a KFC - the
                         white house - and his dog in the
                         front yard.

                                   J.R.
                         WHAT?

                                   GLORIA
                         That happened before I took this
                         movie and there's the damn dog!

               J.R. Looks at the screen then back at his mom.

                                   J.R.
                         Wow.

               Some time passes as they watch then they get to a stretch
               where there is a person J.R. Doesn't recognize.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Who is that man?

               Gloria tenses up a little.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Where is this?  I've never seen
                         this house before.  

               Gloria doesn't say anything.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Who's the man?

                                   GLORIA
                         That's not a man, that's Randi.  I
                         worked with her at the hospital.  

                                   J.R.
                         She looks like a man.  

                                   GLORIA
                         Well, she wasn't!  How do you fast
                         forward through this?

               Gloria is getting annoyed.

                                   J.R.
                         Oh, look!  There's Grandma Knight
                         on the phone...OOOOPP!  She just
                         hung up on them.  Remember when she
                         would just hang up on you when she
                         was done talking?

               Gloria just stares at the TV.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Did she always do that?

               No response still.  Gloria sips her scotch. 

               J.R. Sees his Uncle Pee Wee throw something on the floor and
               all the kids on the screen scurry to pick it up.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         What's that?

                                   GLORIA
                         The nickel scramble.  He'd get a
                         roll of nickels and break them open
                         and throw them all over the hall
                         and all the kids would scramble to
                         get as many as they could.  
                         It was so funny.

                                   J.R.
                         Seems like a lot of sugar for a
                         dime.

                                   GLORIA
                         You could buy a coke for $.10. It
                         was a pretty big deal.

               The last scene of the movie finishes.

                                   J.R.
                         Why weren't there any videos of me?

                                   GLORIA
                         I told you that you just wanted to
                         do this for yourself.

                                   J.R.
                         It's a fair question, mom.  These
                         run right up to when I was born.

                                   GLORIA
                         I got out the camera when you were
                         a baby but it didn't work anymore. 
                         Some things just don't last
                         forever.

                                   J.R.
                         Like this bottle of scotch.  Can
                         you get up?

                                   GLORIA
                         Yes, and I am going to because I
                         have to go to bed.

                                   J.R.
                         Or go outside to smoke.

                                   GLORIA
                         Shut up.

                                   J.R.
                         G'night. 

               J.R. Goes down the hall to his bed.  He has to remove a large
               mirror off the top of the covers and gently sets it on the
               floor.  Fade to black on him crawling in the bed in his PJs.



               INT: J.R.'S ROOM - MORNING.

               J.R. Is lying in bed reading some text messages.  It's 8AM
               and nobody is stirring as he gets up.  

               J.R. Goes to the kitchen and makes a pot of coffee.

               J.R Pours himself a cup of coffee and he's now dressed for
               the day.  

               J.R. Goes in his mothers room and she's still in the bed.

                                   J.R.
                         Hellooo...good morning, good
                         morning.  Are you going to get up?

                                   GLORIA
                         I will in a little bit.

                                   J.R.
                         I made some coffee.  I thought we'd
                         go to the cemetery before I leave.

                                   GLORIA
                         You're going back today?

                                   J.R.
                         Yeah.

                                   GLORIA
                         Whatever you think is best.

               Gloria starts to stir.

               J.R. Heads back to the kitchen.

                                   J.R.
                         I'll pour you some coffee.

               Gloria having a little trouble getting out of bed.

                                   GLORIA
                         Great!



               INT: KITCHEN 

               Gloria comes in and sits at the table in front of her coffee.

                                   J.R.
                         Breakfast?

                                   GLORIA
                         No, this is good.

                                   J.R.
                         Is there anything you need me to
                         do?

                                   GLORIA
                         I need a check for the taxes.

                                   J.R.
                         It's in that envelope on the table.

               Gloria looks over and smiles back at J.R.

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         I enjoyed watching those home
                         movies last night.  Makes me wish
                         that I could have been alive to
                         meet some of those people.

                                   GLORIA
                         It was a different time.  

               Beat.

                                   GLORIA (CONT'D)
                         You would have liked your
                         granddaddy.  He would have had you
                         on a horse before you could walk. 
                         He always wanted a son.  Tommy and
                         I were going to give him a grandson
                         but I lost that one.

                                   J.R.
                         I didn't know you lost a baby.

                                   GLORIA
                         There's a lot of things you don't
                         know.

               Beat.  

                                   J.R.
                         Is there anything you'd do
                         differently if you could?  You
                         know...

                                   GLORIA
                         You mean know then what I know now?

               J.R. waits...

                                   GLORIA (CONT'D)
                         Lots of things.  I might have had
                         my own antique's business or held
                         onto a little more money instead of
                         begging my son to pay for the only
                         thing I have to leave him when I'm
                         gone.

                                   J.R.
                         You've always spent your paycheck
                         before you could cash it.  What's
                         the difference now?

                                   GLORIA
                         That's what I've been thinking
                         about lately.  

                                   J.R.
                         Your paycheck?

               Gloria is trying to be serious.

                                   GLORIA
                         I haven't...  I'm 70 and still have
                         a mortgage on my house.  I drive a
                         12 year old car. 
                         Mama and Daddy paid cash for
                         everything - and I could have...

                                   J.R.
                         We never went hungry.

               Gloria eyes say "true"

                                   J.R. (CONT'D)
                         Who cares if a kid helps their
                         parents.

                                   GLORIA
                         I just could have made some better
                         choices over the years.  

               Beat

                                   GLORIA (CONT'D)
                         But the best one was deciding to
                         keep you.

                                   J.R.
                         KEEP me?  Were you going to give me
                         away?

                                   GLORIA
                         No. I found out I was pregnant and
                         it wasn't too late to terminate but
                         I decided - even though your daddy
                         and me weren't cut out to be
                         married - that I was going to have
                         that baby.

               J.R. Is a little unnerved at what he's just learned.

                                   J.R.
                         I'm - I don't know what to say. 

                                   GLORIA
                         Oh, no baby.  I didn't mean that
                         I'm upset that I had you.  Having
                         you was the best thing that ever
                         happened to me.  But, I was told
                         when I had that miscarriage that I
                         could never have children -  with a
                         tipped uterus I'd never carry full
                         term if I could even get pregnant. 
                         I came to terms with that and just
                         lived my life.

               J.R. Thinks for a moment...

                                   J.R.
                         With Randi?

                                   GLORIA
                         We were friends, nothing else.  

                                   J.R.
                         I've heard you mention her before
                         but I thought it was a man.

                                   GLORIA
                         We can talk about that another
                         time.  

               Beat.  J.R. Sees this isn't going to end well if he pushes.

                                   J.R.
                         Fair enough.

                                   GLORIA
                         The 60's were a hard time. I hope
                         you never lose a spouse.

               J.R. almost says something but then - Tries to lighten things
               up a little.

               J.R. Looks at her wide eyed as if to say "there you have it".

               Beat
                          

               J.R. Pours himself another cup of coffee.

                                   J.R.
                         More?

                                   GLORIA
                         No.  I'm going to get dressed.

               Gloria hobbles as she exits.

               EXT - Gloria's house - Afternoon.

               J.R. is in his car and calls to his mother as he backs out of
               the driveway.

                                   J.R.
                         I'll call you when I get back to
                         Dallas.

                                   GLORIA
                         If I don't answer just leave a
                         message on the machine.

                                   J.R.
                         It's voice mail, Mom.

                                   GLORIA
                         Whatever.  Bye.  I love you.

                                   J.R.
                         I love you too.

               J.R. Drives off and Gloria goes inside.



               INT: GLORIA'S KITCHEN - AFTER J.R. DRIVES AWAY.

               Gloria comes into the kitchen and reaches for her pills on
               the counter.  She takes two out and reaches for a glass as
               she's hunched over the sink.  She winces in pain.  She
               hobbles over to the chair at the table and sits down.



               EXT: LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW INTO THE KITCHEN.

               Gloria falls out of her chair.  It's all over.



               INT: J.R.'S CAR - EVENING

               J.R. drives down a 2 lane highway listening to the radio and
               the phone rings.  It is his cousin, Diane.

                                   J.R.
                         Hello, hello.

                                                         Intercuts with
                                                                 Diane 



               DAY - GLORIA'S HOUSE

               DIANE, 60's, tall with long hair, big jewelry, She has a PhD
               and loves her family.  We see the ambulance in the background
               pull away.

                                   DIANE
                         Where are you?

                                   J.R.
                         Just passed through Prescott. 
                         Sorry I didn't come by to see
                         y'all...

                                   DIANE
                         You need to come back.  It's your
                         Mom.

                                   J.R.
                         I just left her.

                                   DIANE
                         She's gone.

               J.R. Pulls over abruptly.

                                   J.R.
                         What? 

                                   DIANE
                         We just came over to bring Doll
                         some fig preserves and found her -
                         just come on back.  Come to our
                         house.  The paramedics are leaving.

               J.R. spins a U-turn and speeds off. 

 Winner, winner, vintage dinner!

Above is a photo from 2018.  The vendor mall I rent space from, Lula B's, in dallas won The Voice reader's choice award for best antique mall.  The owner asked me to pose for the picture because this was accomplished through my initiative of strengthening the store's social media presence and also beefing up the selection (in my booth) appealing to the designer crowd that lead to increased traffic all with bigger budgets.  It's what I do - I work.  I work hard and my main thought is always "what can I do that will help everyone"?  All the while I never thought of the focus being on me and I'm usually oblivious to my leadership because I'm too busy helping others achieve their potential. 

I guess now that the the train is leaving the station - I'll go ahead and just talk about me this entire blog entry.

I've worked since I was 8 years old.  I mowed the lawns in my neighborhood during the week after school and washed cars on the weekends.  When I was 13 I worked for my family in the kitchen of the Camden location of the tiny restaurant chain, Tiger Harry's Diner.  After my grandmother died in 1995 and I had just turned 16, I took a year off from my every night job and worked for a B&B and catering company I'd started with when I was 14.  That gave me time to tear out all the carpet and restore and refinish the hardwood floors in the house my mother and I were living in as well as clear all the fence rows around the 8 acres of pasture land.  After that was complete I started working at the oldest jewelry store west of the Mississippi, Stinson's Jewelers.  I continued to work for the B&B, Stinson's, and then in the Dean's office at the school of business at my college as well as hosting social events for Sodexo-Marriott who managed the cafeteria.  Two nights a week during college I did SI - Tuesdays was chemistry tutoring and Thursdays was a class teaching older adults the basics of Microsoft office.  I'm going to stop there because I'm tired just thinking about how busy I was back then.  Oh, wait...I'm still that busy today!  *LOL*

Working for myself doing outside manual labor taught me how to manage my time in order to complete things done in the time frames I set.  Working for my family taught me that I don't want to work with my family.  The "crew" was a good crew but I was singled out and ridden harder that everyone else but it fucking taught me nobody cuts you any slack.  It was the first time I'd ever worked in a a group setting.  It was also my first time to experience how disappointed I could be in people that didn't give (or were expected to give) 100%.  That trait has not escaped me even 30 years later.  My job with the B&B/caterer was the biggest eye opener in my life.  I worked for the first openly gay man I ever knew and he had a crew of guys that did everything from vacuuming to cooking to leaving the house in "dying order" when a party was over.  When I have an hour and a bottle of scotch, I'll tell you more about the parties and the education I got in life from this place and the owner, Mr. Richard Milner.  Stinson's was my dream job.  Indoor and air conditioned.  Surrounded by exquisite jewelry and the finest silver, crystal, and china you could ever imagine or see with your own two hands.  I learned about "the finer things in life" as one of my co-workers, Sue Adams, would to say.  I learned to be responsible, not be flippant, and to help/teach customers who came in.  My entire adult life can be traced back to my years between 8 and 21. I have scars, both mentally and physically, from everything I went through and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

I now work for myself.  I bake desserts for restaurants and private clients.  I resale devastatingly chic items for the home.  I'm also an actor.  I have no 9-5 job because I do not want ONE thing to disrupt my ability to commit 100% to this chosen profession and I take my work very seriously.  I also take my studying very seriously.  People who waste my time or who waste their own time put me in a position that I have to pray about.  

I try hard to not compare others to my accomplishments but I do hold others to my values.  In this difficult-to-get-ahead entertainment world I wonder how people can not realize that when they're not succeeding, it's because of their lack of effort and/or valuing the wrong things.  I would see it in the audition room - I have always seen it on social media.  I now see it in the class I take every week that has since the beginning (last year) been a tender place in my heart because I value the knowledge and opportunity it provides.  

One thing that comes with age is the realization that you can't change people - but I think they can still be helped. 

This entry is a little different.  I'm asking for help and guidance.  How can I help people that don't know or acknowledge that they need it?  I'm so fucking excited to be a part of this 2 year experience and I want everyone to share that excitement and dedication.  Is it wrong to want everyone to succeed at a higher level or am I being a brat because I feel some are not as advanced as I, and others, are in the group?  I'm caught in that "in between" of wanting to help others and wanting to shake them like a rag doll.

  

 

Atlanta, Georgia...and step on it!

I got a call this past Tuesday from Atlanta around 3pm Dallas time.  "J.R.?  This is Jana, Jana VanDyke".   We set up a call back time at 5;30 and then talked for about an hour.  It was a good visit - one of those that both people are anxious to keep talking and are having a really good time.  Towards the end of the conversation she said: "I wanted to sign you when I called initially but now I'm even more convinced than I was".  

I've felt for a long time that I should branch out to the southeast market.  There is so much that films in Atlanta - I can't even count how many peaches I see at the end of streaming TV series now.  Some of my actor acquaintances were even booked on a Marvel movie, The Suicide Squad, through their ATL agent and still live in Texas.  So, why couldn't I?

Initially I'd sent headshot, resume, cover letter, and a box of my cookies to JVA and it wasn't the correspondence she expected.  You see, Linda McAlister and she had recently spoken on the phone.  Jana called Linda because she had a talent that had moved to Dallas and needed representation and Linda responded how funny she should call because she had a talent that was wanting a SE agent.  I had talked to Linda about a month ago at length on my need to expand my options and although I knew she could submit me in the SE, it wasn't the same as having a SE agent.  We both saw the logic in each other's side and now we see the fruits of our labor.  My submission request/care package came the week after they spoke and now, here we are. 

I sent back my completed welcome package Thursday and added JVA to my AA account as well as IMDB.  I don't know exactly what will happen next but I feel like I have shit for brains looking forward to whatever it will be.  

I'm in Camden, Arkansas for a quick trip this weekend.  I'm going with a land surveyor to cruise some timber property I have one county over.  Three things I don't want to find:  1) a snake 2) that someone has cut timber on my tracts 3) a snake.

 Another year - another financial summary.  I feel like each year is completely finished when the tax bill is due and that's the benchmark of how well one has done once the double lines are drawn.

It was a hard year for everyone and the strangest in most everyone's memory.  Closings, shutting down, everything stopped and at a snail's pace, opened back up.  I was lucky enough to have a job during shelter in place and for the first 9 months of 2020 while everyone in the entertainment industry seemed to be put on permanent hold, I was able to buy my shredded wheat and coffee. 

At the close of each year I go back and calculate the opportunities, successes, and losses of my little iron lung as an actor.  And if nothing else, it's consistent.  This is a look into what others around me misconceive as a successful career.  

For 2020 on the film/TV and the Commercial sides, respectively, the breakdowns were as follows:

Film/TV: 117 submission, 16 auditions, 1 booking.  Commercial: 68 submissions, 15 auditions, 3 callbacks, 0 bookings.

The comparison is identical within 3% to 2019 and 2018.  For the fifth year in a row I've had a negative income for acting.  It's never made me any money after backing out the cost of auditions, headshots, training, contributing to the TXMPA, travel, and actor websites.  Yet, I hear from casting directors, AD's, and producers "J.R. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about because you work all the time."  *LOL*. Did I miss something? 

All my life I've had a recurring buzz all around me.  He's so successful - He's so rich - Look at him.  If you come to my house and are impressed by what I have, just don't turn it around because I always put the crack to the back and don't mind that smell because there has been a river running under my duplex for 3 months now and not getting any better because of constant rain for the last two weeks and all the books are curling up because I haven't been able to run the air conditioner for 3 weeks - it's hot and humid in here.   I drive an 18 year old car.  I am confident in myself so I guess that can be mistaken for success - and in most things that matter, that really is success.  But, at the end of each year, I look at the double line and try to make sense of why I chose to go into this line of work when it can't even bring me to $0 after tax reconciliation.  

The feeling of getting to do what I'd dreamed about since I was old enough to talk and the times I'm actually on set - in front of the camera - working along side talented people both behind and in front of the lens - that's the crazy energy that keeps me going.  Even though that only happens once or twice a year, it cancels out the days waiting to hear back if I got a booking after a really great audition that led to a callback and all the missed trips and opportunities caused by sitting by the phone waiting for - and never learning why - the opportunity passed me by.  For years I thought it was nothing I was doing wrong and then a couple of years ago I started looking inward - after all I am the only constant in this conundrum - and I started taking serious acting training that I could drive to or zoom into and afford.  

I'm part of the largest agency in the state and I can see that I'm submitted on everything that I fit the specs for and some things that it's even stretching the imagination.  But, the sad reality is that's where agency support seems to end - I'm not a big enough name to be pitched.   I have a couple of side hustles that keep me afloat and from going into the hole.  I luckily have no debt and when I run dangerously low on funds I just eat tunafish and have a lemon juice and lettuce salad.  I knew these were the risks when I left a near six figure income mortgage career to start this dream but each year I wonder when the dream will become a reality.  I've never yearned to be famous - I just wanted to work.  

So, all those stories of actors that land their first big role and during their Johnny Carson interview they reveal they were down to $3 in their checking account and about to give it all up so they could afford to have a loaf of bread and a pork chop, my question is; how many times a year do you have to go through that and for how many years before something actually materializes?  I've never been jealous of anyone's success but I do wonder, at the end of the day, when is it my turn?

Thanks 2020, you were a bear.  So were 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, and 2015.  2021, if you're listening, would you like to just grab a coffee and see if we can be friends?  I'll pick up the check!

 That one time Jency posed as Elvis' bride.  

Here is a friend of mine that I met by chance on set of "DALLAS" during the wedding episode when John Ross married Pamela.  It was also the episode that I was yanked out of BG to be Jessee Metcalf's stand-in. Jency and I got to know one another and after a short few weeks and her working as a Ewing Global employee, I old the 2nd 2nd AD that she should be a stand-in, too.  We spend the next 2 years on set together, 12 hours a day, M-F.  I wouldn't say we were fast friends but we became very close friends.  We collaborated on a couple of short films together and produce one, Lady of the House.  Countless hours and thousands of texts comparing auditions and on set experiences.  Eventually we both were repped by LMT but sadly we never got to work on the same commercial sets together.  Above was a photo shoot that we were invited to be a part of recreating the wedding photo for Elvis and Pricilla Presley - BIG hair, big fun!

Two years ago Jency moved with her husband to Philadelphia and then the pandemic happened so we haven't gotten to see each other except for when she came home to visit her family for Christmas - I miss her and our goofy encounters figuring out what we're doing in this crazy creative world.  Ours is one of those rare friendships that doesn't stop because of a few thousand miles and a time zone. 

We are both driven individuals but my flat out best is only her second gear - I look up to her for her drive and determination.  What else can you say about a friend that you love other than you love them?  

For the first time in over a year I hosted a dinner party and it was also the first dinner party at my new house.  My dearest friend, Mark Doty, was the birthday guest of honor and 7 of us gathered to wish him many happy returns of the day.  Some of the guests I see every week, one I hadn't seen in years and his husband I'd never met.  It was a delightful mix of company.  

I was reminded how much we all thrive from a fun gathering and I know everyone is overdue from the macabre past 12 months.  I'd forgotten what a hangover felt like.

Crudités, charcuterie, vodka cocktails, Berkshire pork chops, Brussels sprouts, creamed potatoes, Chardonnay, some fancy fuckery red wine a guest brought, and a foot tall strawberry cake Chris Calvery made - all the pieces came together for a diabetic fit and I think I died twice during the night.  Heaven.

I felt like Joan Crawford hosting a 60's cocktail party - minus the hippies.  

 

 Since the winter storm there has been a dank smell in my house and I've had issues with congested sinuses.  Outside I kept noticing a lot of water coming out of runoff pipes that direct water away from the house with drains in the flower beds with no rain and it having been days since the sprinklers were run.  I also trimmed back all the dead foliage in the flower beds on the shrubs just to keep finding them with new dead and dried up patches.  

The other morning while sitting in the living room I noticed the air coming out of the floor registers was damp - it actually felt wet. So, I popped open the access point to the crawl space only to discover that there was about a foot of water flooding the entire underneath of the house.  When I stuck my head down there I could see that the water was moving - so, there was an active leak.  Brilliant.  It only took me a month to figure out there was water under the house that was seeping under the foundation and drowning the landscaping, clogging the runoff drains, and making the inside of the house wet thus congesting my sinuses.  

Today the plumber arrived and 2 hours later they're still pumping water out of this hole dug on the side of the house - next they'll start pumping from the middle of the structure inside the access point in the hall closet.  This will take weeks to completely dry and dissipate especially with 3 days of rain next week.  

I feel sorry for my landlord because there is going to have to be new plumbing as well as new ductwork under the house where it's been sitting in water as well as wet conditions for weeks.  But, finally my house won't smell like a stock pond and I can stop spending my life savings on candles.

How's your week?  :)

 I was a lamented mess.

In a text thread between ginger daddy and Markesa the other day we, per usual, throw out moves that we love and ask if each of us has seen them.  After Chris watched Places in the Heart, Mark and I threw out our lines that totally resolve the film to one line quips - "STEP DOWN" "I CAN'T, I'VE GOTTA' GET HOME"!  Then Mark brought up "The Trip to Bountiful".  I remember seeing this movie a lifetime ago but didn't remember anything Foote was trying to covey so I watched it last night.  I didn't remember the time that I saw it before or when or where or who I was with but I was taken down a different path of memories.

Mrs. Watts loved her son, Ludie.  It was painful to watch how much she adored him while at the same time hated that she had to live with him and his wife.  All Mrs. Watts wanted to do was to go home again and see where she'd spent the first 40 some odd years of her life with her family and the only life she'd ever really known.  One thing - she wanted to go home.  Secretly, Ludie wanted to go home as well but he had forged ahead to make a better life for himself and his family and moved his mother with those aspirations to the big city making an unsuccessful attempt to forget his past.  

My mother was a dreamer, an unrealistic dreamer.  If she had $4 she spent $4.25 on whatever was the shiniest.  At different intervals in her life she came into quite sizable sums of money but she died without enough in the bank to cover her own funeral.  I tried to help her create a structured financial system without completely understanding her propensity to squander everything she had - and she also was happy with having nothing.  

I moved away from my hometown after college in 2002 and came to Dallas in 2003 - I never looked back.  When my mother retired and told me she had "X" amount of debt to face if she stopped working I arranged a cash out refinance of her paid for home and gave her the proceeds to pay these bills, have money left over, and I also bought her a new car.  The structure of the mortgage was also so I was assured that the taxes and insurance would be paid on time - I toted the note.  After a few years it became clear that she'd spent all the money I'd given her and not only did I pay the mortgage (that I incurred) but I also sent her money every month.  I was glad to do it but I never got used to it being (what I felt) expected.

Over the next 10 years there were many homes that come on the market in my hometown, Camden, that were insane deals.  There was always a market for her home she that she'd built in 1988 on land just two lots away from the Big House her grandparents lived in for over 40 years.  From a financial standpoint, I wanted to sell her house, pay it off, take the profit and buy a larger home that would be a better investment down the road.  Also, mom's house was 1,500 square feet and had 3,000 square feet of stuff in it.  But, every time I would take her to see a larger, and in my view better, home she would't budge on accepting it to be hers - even homes that we'd admired my entire life that she'd said "I'd give anything to live there."  

I can't tell you now if I wanted her to live somewhere different because I wanted to provide more for her or if I wanted her to live somewhere that would be a better investment for me later on.  I feel it was a combination of both but one I never got to fulfill.  I didn't have many happy memories of the home she built and we lived in.  This was a difficult time in my life that I try not to remember but of course I do remember.  A fault (or blessing) my mom had was being oblivious to anyone or anything around her - she was the sun and everyone revolved around her.  This wasn't just in her own mind.  

Watching this movie last night, so many truths came up.  I tried to make someone do something they didn't want to do.  All she wanted was to be at home.  Her home.  Mom was luckier than Geraldine Page's character in that she lived where she wanted.  We had a lot of disagreeable moments in my life usually stemming from my wanting to do something she didn't.  I've learned a lesson that I should have a long time ago.  I can't change people.  I have to accept them for who they are.  I can change the way I react to them but I can't change them to suit me.  Maybe it's the pandemic and months of sitting and thinking - maybe it's getting to that age where things make sense because of LIFE, maybe it's Maybelline.  

The ending scene where Ludie tells his mother that he remembers everything about his childhood and he's sorry he didn't see things her way before then and make a better effort to appreciate her feelings - it was a moment that I'm jealous of.  I wish I'd have done that.  

 Picture it, New Orleans, 2017.  

A yearly pilgrimage with close friends find us in New Orleans for Mother's Day weekend celebrating my friend Mark Doty's birthday.  A Friday through Monday shit show of shenanigans all starts at the Commander's Palace for 25¢ martinis - limit 3, unless you flirt with the waiter.  

Usual chain of events:- Board an early morning flight at DFW

- Arrive at MSY and take a pre-arranged blimo to the French Quarter and drop off bags at hotel
- Uber to the garden district to Commanders Palace for lunch

- Get shit faced while enjoying an amazing meal

- Uber back to the French Quarter and claim our place in a convo section at the Carousel Bar all the while taking in the local and visiting flavor.

- Someone tries to slur that their hungry and we leave for food

- Arrive at Clover Grill for a greasy hamburger, fries, and a Coke

- Stop by our hotel for a quick whore’s bath and a costume change

- Bars.  By this time we know where we’re going but we can’t remember until the next day with the help of photo recognition the next day.

- Café Du Monde first thing the next morning for café au lait and beignets to recover just enough for an early brunch of bloody mary’s at Tujague’s.   

- In between popping into bars the next few days we usually go junk shopping and travel out to a museum or attraction.

- Sunday main focus is mother’s day brunch at Muriel’s.  The live jazz band is always festive!

- Sunday’s are lazy until it’s time to pop over to Bourbon pub for a few dozen cocktails that runs into a night of debauchery amongst the seediest of bars like: corner pocket, raw hide, and the green lantern.  Corner pocket is where we discovered the term “helicopter dick”.

- Early Monday checkout and after one last trip to Du Monde, we head to the airport.

 

We’ve gone since 2015 for Mark’s Dirty 40.  We’ve missed last year and this year because of the pandemic and I’m ready to go back.  We usually try to invite new people each year to keep it fresh and in the last 3 years Mark has started dating someone but I’m ready for just the three of us to go.  Ginger Chris, Skinny Doty, and asshole J.R.  Cheers to friends.  

 Look at me in 1983.  

This photo was taking in from on my great-grandmother's house in Camden, AR.  Everyone calls it either Knight Hill or The Hill.  You can't count how many meals or gatherings have happened here since they bought it in 1943 and when I think of holidays, I think of the hill.  

This is the first Easter I can remember that I'll spend by myself.  I've been home at the hill, or wherever I've lived and had people over, gone on a trip to PV or even Santa Barbara, but I've never just been home alone.  I'm a little exited about it.  Everything is close and there aren't any obligations to fill.  I'm a little old to hunt Easter eggs but maybe I'll hunt for some things around the house I've not been able to locate - like the guards to my clippers.  

I've got two auditions to get on tape by Monday afternoon, one for Vicky and another for the cast station, and I think I"ll get those done tonight.  I also had to go to the dentist Thursday and I have a cracked tooth under a crown that will need to be extracted and do a bone graft then after that heals another implant.  They gave me pain killers for the infection along with antibiotics.  I feel pretty high.  

Have a good day!

-J.R.

 Greetings from Denmark.

Bjorn Winblad, artist of the above, was a true "Renaissance man".  The Mermaid Bar at NM NorthPark is graced with the whimsical decorative work of Wiinblad, with delicate ladies and bold colors.  I found this large poster for sale on Liveauctioneers.com and it was love at first sight.  The colors and the activity is exactly what I needed for a major score and a blast of color in my kitchen.  

I've come a long way from thinking Kirkland's was the bees knees and understanding that art doesn't always have to match the drapes that match the sofa.  Do you ever get lost looking at one piece of art?  Follow all the colors and lines?  Even if you have no idea what the artist's true intent was, you own interoperation is like reading a book and being instantly transported to a different time and place.  

The task of daydreaming is something I've been plagued with my entire life.  In school and at work I've had to catch myself from being in a daze for hours - the hard part is that I love it.  Then there's that slight gut punch when I realize that so much time has gone by and I've still so much to do but I ease out of panic by remembering where I just went.  

I've been helping a friend, remotely, decorate his new house.  I can compile what needs to be where from measurements, that's just simple math.  But guiding someone what paths to travel to find meaningful artwork to warm his new home has been a trip I haven't taking in quite a while.  Most folks fall into the trap of thinking they have to get everything done all at once and in the end all they have to show for it is a overstuffed dorm room with walls lined with furniture.  I've missed that textural creativity and with that having been dormant for so long, it was thrilling to find something new to love and admire.  We should have delivery in a couple of weeks and I have a couple of hours all ready to devote to daydreaming about it.  

What's your favorite thing in your home?