I was 5 years old in this picture on Christmas morning in 1984.  I got the red robe on Christmas Eve and the Bullwinkle was from Santa.  I remember this Christmas - we were living in El Droado, AR at the time and this is in the living room of our home.  Christmas was the most exciting time ever back then.  Gifts and anticipation to see what Santa had brought and then driving over to Camden later on Christmas Day to see family by the dozens.

I miss this.  Not just he simple mindset of a childhood but the togetherness we all had as a family.  Being surprised by who got to "come home" and the countless laughs and stories I could hear even though I didn't quite understand most of them.  

This is a hard Christmas for everyone, I more than understand that.  It's been a year of MANY changes for me and I knew going into this holiday season in the midst of a pandemic would be a trying time and it is.  Being away working on a remote project did bring me a great deal of joy and accomplishment but at the end of the day to not have someone to share it with or phone and tell about my day and excitement did take away from the beauty of the day.

There is someone who now lives in northwest Arkansas with a cute little white dog that I miss very much. So much.  At 41 I'm starting over and 90% of it is exciting but there's the times that I'm by myself and alone that my mind starts to wonder.  I feel that when I'm able to start to afford things I want again like a new sofa at a whim or a 4 day get away and not stress over the cost, I'll be in a better place.  Counting pennies has always been an obsession and delight for me.  I love rat holing money and saving - it's always been a game to me.  See how much I can save and then splurge by spending exactly 1/2 of it and starting the cycle over with the remainder.  

Someone once told me that I love money.  I don't think that's true but I do love the independence it gives a person.  I'm learning, or rather, realizing again that it's good to be self reliant.  It's not easy though.  Along with missing certain people I miss the larger gatherings of family and the unexpected surprises of who will be there.  I'm not sad during the holidays but I do miss some of the rituals of my childhood.  I look forward to this pandemic being over.  I look forward to a busy 2021.

For the first time in I can’t remember when, I looked up at the night sky. It’s bright and full of stars. So serene. I see the star of Bethlehem and I don’t know how to describe it. No one alive has seen it before tonight. It makes me feel that even though we may be by ourselves, we are not alone.

This story of from the Gospel of Matthew always fascinated me as a child. One star in a night full of heavenly bodies guided three men on camels to the birthplace of the baby Jesus. How could it be so bright? Did only the wisest of men know what to look for? After seeing this tonight for myself I can understand how they were able to see this, the brightest and most unusual star in the sky. I looked right up at it tonight and knew exactly what I was looking at.

I think we all look for a guiding point in or lives. I have for a long time now and even more so this past year of turmoil in my life and the unrest in our country and world. I felt peace come over me as I looked up and was reminded that there is something more out there - beyond our normal sight and, if you will, comfort zone.

I saw a guiding light while working on location and that makes me think that what I'm doing here, now, and in my life is a path that I was meant to follow. So many sad things have happened lately and not just to me but all over the world. We finally have a vaccine for Covid and we have a new government administration taking power. I hope 2021 is a better year, for all of us. So, shine on bright star - guide us to a new beginning. I know I'm ready.

Traveling for work isn't always just about being on set.  In my downtime I have to explore the city I'm in.  OKC has been cold but productive.  I ventured out to the local thrift haunts and have found some good loot!  I traveled up to Ponca City for an estate sale that was a complete bust - the family was conducting the sale and everything there was high as a cat's back but the local vendor malls pulled through.  Colored glass always sells well for me in Dallas and I can't wait to put these fun pieces in my booth. 

The local flavor of people and their personalities in a 100 mile range of OKC is spectacular.  Character ideas come from anywhere and everywhere and I've had a great opportunity to study some interesting people.  The Native American TS that runs the antique mall on the square in Ponca City was a real treat.  Over stuffed lips and hands bigger than mine and a diamond ring that could be mistaken for a door knob and she drives a Lincoln Town car.  I talked with her for about 30 minutes and when I left she said the most wonderful thing - "Stay beautiful" and I replied "you do the same".  The light that filled her eyes and the difference in her stance really made my day.  You know that I love to talk but I enjoy listening more and being away from home has given me a whole new canvas to explore.  

My favorite part of working remotely is new people, places, and faces.  I'm so happy.

 

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it!

Obsessed. 

One of the first VHS tapes I remember my family having was 9 to 5.  In 1985 we got a VCR for Christmas from my grandmother and after getting the treat of renting a movie on the weekend, somehow my mother found copies of Grease and 9 to 5.  I was only 6 years old but I remember after watching this movie maybe 3 or 4 times I had it memorized.  I was hypnotized by the characters and was of course too young to tell you why.  I remember my mother getting tickled at the scenes with Roz and having belly laughs at her being so nosey and also when Mr. Hart was finally released and came back to the office only to be whisked away again to an even worse fate than the three main characters had made for him.  

As I got older I understood more about the dynamics of the film and then after I'd had my first corporate job (maybe 26 years old) I watched this movie again with my mother and we had a talk afterwards what it meant to her.  Mom had worked in the healthcare field at two local hospitals for most of her young career life.  She told me that she had a boss much like Mr. Hart when she worked in the insurance and billing department at the Ouachita County Hospital in the late 60's after her first husband died.  Mom was a very smart and intuitive person; a person that would experiment while doing repetitive tasks different ways - same end result but a different road traveled to get there keeps the monotony out of your day.  Things like alternating stapling papers from the left to right hand, move the phone from one side of the desk to the other, add a column of numbers from bottom to top, type up an insurance claim from the last page to the first and vice versa.  In the end I think it also gave her a better understanding of all processes because she really could do them backwards and forwards.  

There was one dynamic in these early years that wasn't so pleasant.  Her boss didn't think woman should be more than just a secretary and they were definitely his toys to play with.  Such was common back then. Mom got the task of creating punch cards and feeding the computer when it was installed for insurance coding and billing.  Same pay but different tasks - she actually loved it.  Her mind was a computer.  After the first day of working in the back corner of what was a large storage room and the machines were in the back - far away from the entrance and the work piled up in front of her and the door - she noticed she was obscure from the rest of the office.  On the second day her boss came in to monitor her progress and to also "help" demonstrate how to feed the machine but his intent was to show mother where a penis was supposed to go.  Mom intuitively fed the machine more than it could process and it jammed thus creating a loud churning sound nobody could ignore.  Boss left - crisis averted.  The day wore on and mom pretended the repair guy was coming later in the afternoon but she never called him because she knew how to fix the issue.  Mom had a friend that worked in maintenance, Randi, a big stout woman who would have moved a Lincoln Continental if Mom asked her to.  After everyone had left for the day, mother and Randi went in the storage room and rearranged the layout.  Randi disconnected the electrical outlet where the machines were previously and moved them to the front with the entrance and files to the back in order of first in to the front and last in to the back.  No more dank corners to hide in.

The next day when mother continued her work with everything whirring like a Singer, her boss came in and questioned the rearrangement and was not all too happy.  Mother explained that when the repair guy came the outlet was faulty and now didn't work so they had to move the equipment to a live outlet - it was the only cost effective way to maintain work flow.  Boss man grabs an adding machine from a desk just outside the door and plugs it in the outlet in question and nothing happened in either plug as mom continues to feed the machine punchcards.  Boss leaves.  Problem solved.

I would sit and watch my mom when she didn't think I was looking and she looked like she was having a conversation in her head, lips slightly moving with expressive eyes.  I now know that she really was having a conversation or at least working something backwards and forwards.  

I miss her.  We were too much alike to be able to get along in a perfect relationship but we both understood one another and sometimes that's the most you can ask for and I think the least you should expect.