The Hymn of Promise.

When I was in Wesley choir at Fairview United Methodist Church, we sang the hymn of promise at the end of every choir practice and again every Sunday at the end of the children's sermon.  I feel like it's appropriate for the ending of our time with AWG.  When I was a child I never thought of the time that there wouldn't be a "next time" to sing this song - now I know that we're embarking on the last time we'll all meet.

I think the main reason that I have not wanted this class to end is because while we’re still training and working, we are still training and working. Once it’s over we'll be 100% responsible for implementing everything we've been taught, which was the objective of the entire course, but that’s the hard part.

If we did not give 100% during this class -  and at times I have felt like I haven’t and that’s a disservice to me - Now we are responsible for our actions and our transgressions.  We’ reached the top-most rung B/A can offer and now we have to climb on our own.  It’s scary but from uncertainty comes growth as a person.  So, thank you for the opportunity, the love, the push, and for being you. 

I’m forever grateful.   

New Orleans, Louisiana – May, 2022.

 

After a two-year hiatus, two of my best friends and I traveled down to the land of music and booze for our yearly boy’s trip.  In years past there would be eight to ten of us starting a marathon weekend of martinis, grits, and bar hopping but this year it’s just the three of us.  Mark, Chris, and I.  Last year Mark moved to Los Angeles, and we have missed him so much.  Each time we come we do something cultural with no repeats.  This year we went to the Mardi Gras float museum and seeing these remnants of floats past as well as floats currently being assembled was really something.  My mind kept wondering into the dollars and cents of the whole thing – these are painfully skilled artists, and I can’t even imagine how much a completed float or even components must cost.  A labor of love and extreme patience is all I can take away.  

Mark and my rooms at our hotel open off a large, shared balcony and it was a little strange to see two women and a man sunbathing topless out there yesterday while they smoked cigarettes and drank beer, but I couldn’t understand the language they were speaking, and I guess that’s just their culture.  Poor Chris booked a nice room at the Bourbon Orleans hotel with a private balcony and a loft sleeping area BUT it’s right on the corner of Bourbon and Orleans – I don’t think he’s slept since we arrived.  He had that look of “don’t fuck with me” yesterday morning. I can sleep though anything but a meal.

Now that our weekend is ending it reminds me of another chapter in my life that’s about to close – but I’ll talk about that more in the next couple of weeks.

 Lately, I've noticed my blogs have been a little heavy.  Let's have a laugh at my expense then expand.

Yesterday, I went to Sam's club to get gas and pick up some baking necessities and afterwards I drove over to Aldi to see if they had shortening because Kroger and everywhere else has Crisco at $6.99 per can and only six months ago it was $3.99 - I'm trying to save a few pennies.  As soon as I walked into Aldi I realized that it was a dumb move not putting on any underwear that morning and my grey sweatpants were no match to hide the unexpected erection I got as soon as I walked in the door.  I mean, I love a good deal but I've never gotten that excited about it.  There was no way to hide this or ease it down, either.  So I walked around the store with my hand in my pocket holding my tallywhacker against my stomach - because that was SO much less obvious something was awry.  As I'm walking down the aisle trying to steer my cart I had to poke a quarter in to retrieve, and having not much luck making a straight line, I overheard a woman telling someone about her cat knocking off a cake she'd made and that was why she was there buying the ingredients to make another.  I started to laugh.  Her story reminded me of one I'd heard around the dinner table maybe 10 years ago when I was home visiting.  Aldi didn't have any shortening so I parked my basket, took my quarter, and got in my car and headed home...still laughing to myself about an incident with a cake, a cat, and my grandmother and her siblings sometime back in the 50's.

My grandmother and her sisters were all attractive and fairly particular on their appearance but my grandmother, Virginia, was the most particular person I've even known.  You could barely snub out a cigarette before she was emptying the ashtray and one of my cousins told me when she would visit my grandparents when she was a kid that you could barely get your panties pulled up before my grandmother was in there scrubbing out the toilet.  She looked as fresh when she got home from a full day of work at 5:00pm as she did when she left the house at 6:00am.  Her sister, Louise, was asked by her husband one night if she was going to get up in the morning to make breakfast for him before he headed to the deer woods and she said "shit".  Virginia gets up and makes Raleigh breakfast for him because she loves him; "Carol, 'Virginur' makes his breakfast because she doesn't want anyone messing up her kitchen, damn.  Knock yourself out."  You get the picture.

In 1951, my mother and her cousin, Linda, went back to Myrtle Beach on the train from south Arkansas with their aunt (by marriage) Mary Sue to visit with she and Uncle Pee Wee.  When it was time for them to come home, my grandparents headed out there to pick them up - with a carload of family on the trip as well.  Sisters Louise, Zaddie, and their mother, Grandma Knight.  Unofficially, and officially, Pee Wee was their favorite.  They headed out there in a 1942 Plymouth and while they were out there my grandfather bought a new 1951 Mercury - not sure if he was just that spontaneous or if there was car trouble along the way but they bought a new car.  At dinner one night as they were all sitting around the table there was a german's chocolate cake Mary Sue had made placed on the sideboard behind where my grandmother was sitting and Louise was sitting directly across from her at the table.  Louise noticed the cat jump up on the sideboard and then STEP OVER the cake and then jump down.  She said nothing...until it was time to cut and serve the cake.  As my grandmother cut her first piece and was bringing the bite to her mouth, Louise shouted "Virginur, don't eat that!  The cat drug his balls across the top!"  She very gently put her fork down and just stared at her plate.  Everyone of course lost their shit.  Mary Sue asked why she would say that and Louise told her that she saw it happen and Pee Wee chimed in "Goddammit Marsu, that tomcat will fuck anything including our dessert" and then he grabbed the cat and threw it out the window.  I hope they lived on the first floor but it really wouldn't have mattered if they hadn't.

So, when we have a german's chocolate cake at a family gathering, it's call a "Cat ball cake".  

 When you apply you have to be prepared for two things - being denied or prepared to pay it back.  

School loan debt - it's a huge controversy.  I understand that many young people are drowning in paying back what they felt was an investment in their own future and I hate to see people struggle doing what they believed was right.  I wonder if they were misguided from the beginning by being told they had to go to college or by believing they had to go to a school they couldn't afford when there are less expensive schools to attend that will yield you the same degree - albeit, possibly not the same advantages.  But, knowing what you're going to pay in the end, having done the research and the due diligence accounting, who is really to blame for the financial burden?  I've wanted things my entire life and I've even sacrificed to get some of them - buying a Rolex when I graduated from college was dumb but I worked for the jewelry store I bought it from and he let me pay it out on lay-a-way for over a year with no interest.  Still, sorta dumb but I still wear it with pride.  

I went to a local college, Southern Arkansas University in Magnolia, AR, and received a BBA in marketing.  I worked four jobs during college and also took out student loans for my sophomore through senior years.  The cost per semester was around $3,000.  My grandmother died when I was 15 and she left me enough money for me to go to school for the four years it took me to earn my degree but after my freshman year, my family's accountant suggested to take out student loans so the withdrawal every semester wouldn't count as income and then draft the sum from that one account to the lending institution when my degree was completed.  So, I followed this advice.  After graduation I talked with my mother and asked her to take care of the details of the transactions necessary and she said she'd take care of it.  I felt pretty lucky to have been blessed with the ability to basically go to school for free.

About two years after I graduated, I was living in Dallas by then, and I'd been promoted to an area sales manager position at Dillard's.  Going from $12 per hour to $33,000 per year was a HUGE jump.  I was already making more money than most of the people in my family retired making.  I thought I had arrived.  On a trip back home to south Arkansas I decided I was going to trade the new Silverado I got (though the situation of my grandmother passing away) when I was 16 in on a new Chevy truck at the local dealership.  Trying to stay "local" I walked in with my downpayment and the title to my 6 year old truck (that still looked brand new) and forged ahead on the first big purchase of my life.  They took my personal information, we talked about my family and my new life in Dallas, then the finance guy came back with my credit report and he and the salesman both looked at me like I was trying to pull a fast one.  My credit report showed that I was a year delinquent on payments on my student loans and my credit score was somewhere below 500.  I was in shock.  I was also so embarrassed that I wanted to crawl under the desk and disappear.  I'd never missed a payment on anything in my life.  There was a phone number on the credit report for the bank I'd borrowed the money from and I called them and they reported "your loan payments were to start over a year ago and there were two payments made but the rest is delinquent".  They'd sent the statements to my mother's address all this time because that was my permanent address until I moved to Dallas.  Defeated, I drove back to my mother's house and sat down in the living room with her and tried to calmly understand what happened.  When I started out with "I was denied a loan for the new truck" she replied "I was afraid of that".  

As it turned out, the money I'd been left to pay for school, my mother spent.  I don't know on what and she wouldn't be able to tell anyone either because I now know how horrible she was with personal finances.  She made two payments on the student loan and just stopped paying it but didn't tell me about it because if she were to then I would have found out that the money I thought was there to cover my expenses was actually spent by her so if we never talked about it - in her mind - it never happened.  This was around 3pm on a Saturday and I was so angry and hurt and betrayed that I just got my overnight bag and got in my truck and headed back to Dallas.  I cried some on the way home and also thought of how I was going to fix this.  The next week I called the bank fixed the mailing address and made a verbal promise that as soon as the payment slips came in I'd pay the delinquent amount and start making the payments.  This took all of my downpayment money and they explained to me that this would not fix my credit for years  to come.  It was actually another five years before I was able to finance a vehicle on my own.  Of course it never dawned on me to ask someone to co-sign for me but I think we can see that would have been a another disaster in itself.  

I think the biggest disappointment, other than the fact that my mother blatantly stole thousands of dollars from me, was that I hand't made it my priority to take care of my own affairs.  I learned a tremendous lesson.  Not to say I've never lived over my means in all this time but I haven't let things go so far that I couldn't reel it all back into place.  

So, to all the people potentially wanting to commit themselves to a life of "living on time", come talk to me.  I've run the gamut - but, I'm still here!

 ...Or am I just restless?

For a few months I've caught myself actually being bored.  I have things that do occupy some of my downtime:  Making pies for a local restaurant, and peddling vintage objects for the home at a local vendor mall.  An hour and a half a day for baking and then sourcing vintage products when things pop up don't really take a full day.  Auditions come in sometimes one a week and sometimes five a week but those are pretty straightforward and don't take much time to knock out.  I've not worked in two months on an acting gig so I've had a lot of free time on my hands which makes me restless and before I know it I'm bored but I haven't started climbing the walls yet.

I feel like I need to do something more structured to occupy my time but I'm unsure what to do and even that makes me a little frayed around the edges.  I don't really want to dive back into the mortgage world and working retail at my age wouldn't be a good idea for the customers.  For 7 years, aside from a year I spend managing a showroom in the design district a year ago, I've only focused on my acting career and was also able to because I had a partner that afforded me the luxury of not having to shell out rent for nine years but that's all different now.  Life changes and we move along with it.  I may just be restless because I don't have a set structure and an exact steady income and I do miss that.  Maybe being sensitive to not knowing what's next keeps me going but lately it's been slightly debilitating. 

I did read a great blurb in The NY Times this morning and here's the quote from Annette Bening; 

"To someone just starting out, I’d suggest finding a good teacher or institution where you can go and study acting as an art. Though when you’re actually doing it, it’s not an intellectual process — you want to be free to experience the moment. So much of what you learn in training is how to listen, to allow your focus to be off you and on the other actors, which is the great relief that acting can bring. If you respond intuitively, that’s gold. In the moments you feel like a phony, that’s when you go back to the basics, which is what [the Russian theater director Konstantin] Stanislavski taught: “What do I want? What do I do to get it? And what’s in my way?” The more that’s in the way, the better off you are because you need to have a hole inside of you that you’re trying to fill. Sometimes, of course, you just need a job, and if you get a gig that isn’t satisfying those higher artistic ideals, that can be OK. Work is work. If you can be selective and follow the work you love, that’s a privilege.

I regularly took time off because I had four kids, so I was stopping and starting a lot, which ended up being a good thing. Some people don’t want to have children, and they’re able to dedicate themselves in a different way. I’ve found, though, that when you have responsibilities that are outside of yourself, it makes your work better. And your desire to continue to excavate and express the inexpressible doesn’t leave you. It might wane, but then it comes back."

 

I was chosen. 

This week has been full of emotional experiences.  I made a new friend this year who is half my age and I don't know how to describe the feeling I get when I'm asked the how and why of subjects by someone who reminds me of myself at that same age.  Old?  Possibly, or maybe it's a feeling of trust and confidence.  There are many kinds of people in this world that seek someone to look up to or follow in their footsteps.  I'm by far not a perfect person but I do feel I've learned from a lot of mistakes and my sins from the past because they're what have made me the person I am today.  I feel arrogant by saying I'm someone that people look up to but I do revere the fact that I am a respectable person...I just need to work on being more kind and generous without the baggage of higher expectations that some people may have not learned to live up to yet. I supposed that's my challenge hiding in this gift of life.

I can't give the mental bandwidth for more elaboration right now because I've got to turn in an audition and, as I was discussing with my friend Becky over the past couple of days, I can't bare to hear from the casting director "we expected better".  

Happy Easter to everyone - He is risen.

 I experienced two polar opposites this week.

During my weekly class we all received critiques on our monologue selections and some had issues, still, with their selections and delivery.  One in particular was told to find another one all together and even tried to defend their choice.  I felt bad for the guy and suggested a movie and a scene to find and study as did the teacher.  After class he reached out to me and asked where to find the movie and I told him even though it's 2022 and a simple google search would return the information.  Then I saw a classic scene from Designing Women where Charlene goes off on one of her tangents and I thought - this would be another great thing for this guy to find and study!  I shared the video and explained why it was a good comedic monologue and it could be done by either sex but he replied that he was told not to do comedy as it wasn't his strong suit and also that he couldn't find the script for the movie I suggested and he'd like to avoid paying to rent if possible.  I screamed at the phone "it's $2.99 to rent - TWO NINETY NINE!!!  But, I regained my composure and replied "Small price to pay for good material".  His response of "I'll check it out for sure" then rambling on and on about how good I am and how I can play anything prompted me to tell him that it's not easy and don't think that I don't have to work hard for everything you see in class.  I'm afraid that he just doesn't get it and worse still, he never will.  

Cut to my being asked to read for a very seasoned actress for her to audition for a movie shooting in Wyoming.  My agent connected us.  We talked on the phone then we face-timed to get it done.  This actress has over 300 episodes of TV experience under her belt and didn't tell the producers to piss up a rope for not simply offering the role to her.  She had no idea how to self tape because she'd never done it.  I also coached her and she just said "oh, that's great!  Thanks!" to everything and even on my suggestions on how to deliver the three different scenes.  We did have to reconvene after she studied the lines a little more and got over the little bit of frustration of her not being comfortable taping herself but after a couple of hours on her own we taped her scenes without incident.  

Two different people, the kinda same scenario of not knowing what to really do but one knowing that she had to get it done and accepted and was receptive to an outsiders help opposed to someone who can't even get out of his own way and who also has the support system of some industry leading professionals at his disposal.  I am in awe of each of these people for their ability to handle their situations.  

I am making up my mind to stop obsessing on how to help people who won't use it and focus on making myself available for those who understand it.  But, let me tell you, it's hard.

 

A lot does but when one thing doesn't you forget all the times they did.

It's been a really challenging week on top of an already challenging week before.  After sitting around for days on a non-existent hold for a commercial last week low to the high of getting pinned for a CBS show, Walker, then being released to casting coming back to check if I'm still available for the shoot dates (4/4-4/6) to the 4th being tomorrow and no other word on why they wanted to confirm my availability ... I'm more than a little worked up.  There were 4 theatrical auditions last week for my ATL agent as well as 3 commercial auditions for TX.  Any working actor can attest to how draining it can be to get basically an audition a day and where I'm not complaining - I am ready for these to turn into bookings.  Well, here comes another one for Whataburger!

Since the first of this year I've tried to put myself out there more to make new acquaintances and initially it's very easy to approach someone and when they get past being intimidated, talk to them.  For as long as I can remember that's the first thing people say is that they are intimidated by me.  I try to take it as a compliment but for fuck's sake - really?  I mean, I feel like I'm an  affable person but at the same time I'm reminded that in the "gay world of Dallas" you're not really friends - you're a hopeful fuck buddy for a while then someone to be ghosted later.  I'm no saint.  I have needs just like everyone else.  I also experience hurt feelings and embarrassment (which I usually laugh at because - why not?), joy, anger, but most of all compassion.  If I take the time to engage in a conversation with someone (given they're not a raging asshole - even though those folks can be fun too) I'd like to get to know them.  I'm a ridiculously good story teller and intelligent enough to be a chameleon when necessary.  I've been known to stretch the truth in good southern form but for the life of me I will never understand why people just blatantly lie - to my face.  I take that back - I do understand, but I have to really like you to have enough mental bandwidth to certify the exact reason that person is broken...broken in a way that their lies are their reality because their actual reality is a place they can't live comfortably.  I have found all my life that making friends is not easy and as I get older it seems even more difficult.  People even 5 years younger are difficult to get to know and anyone younger, they're basically socially retarded.  

But, still I persist.  I don't know if it's that I have a heart the size of Texas that others perceive as the size of an un-soaked pinto bean or that people in general are just too self absorbed to care about others time and personal value or if they just simply don't know how and are ignorant of interpersonal relationships.  There are times I wish I didn't have that drive to help others (especially when they don't fucking ask for it) but then after a few beers and some quiet time I do realize that's what makes me the unique person I am.  After all, for all the above mentioned reasons I don't understand (even though I really do) the bass-ackwards way most people communicate, I do know how and do it very well.  

This has been weighing on my mind for several months.  The hardest breakup I ever had was two years ago after nine years with the same person.  Going from 32 to 41 is a huge chunk of time and changes in everything from financial independence to no longer having a perky chest and butt.  I guess after two years of trying to figure out how I will support myself both mentally and financially I've finally come around to the reality that I'm lonely.  I'm not alone and sad but there are more times recently where I just want someone to be sitting next to me and talk to them.  I can get a hole wrapped around my dick any day of the week but never a problem was solved with sex alone.  I mean, the only thing to say afterwards is "Goodbye, thanks for cumming".

As I finish typing this my friend Chris sent me a text saying he'd be up for a sip on the strip later.  That makes me feel good.  So did my breakfast at Market Diner this morning.  I choose for it to be a great day.

XO

-J.R.

 Torn.

It's been a week of the highest highs and the lowest lows.  From the previous week of getting two auditions from Beth Sepko in Austin, one for a commercial that I was unofficially put on hold for a featured background role to turn to OCP that never panned out (deduced from not hearing back a solitary word up until the shoot day) to this week getting an email from my agent that I'm pinned for Season 2 Ep.17 of Walker as the co-star bad guy that's the focus of the episode.  Pretty major.  I've waited 7 years to even get pinned and it finally happened.  

Tuesday was a friend of mine, Kris Gentry's,  birthday - the big 60!  Kris can be described as a giant ball of consideration and the first to set expectations of any situation while making you feel like you're the only person in the room as she hangs on every word you have to say.  About six months go she was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis and immediately started, in her words, sporting a very fashionable portable oxygen machine - suitable for any occasion. Yesterday she lost her battle with IFP after finding out on her birthday that she not only would need a double lung transplant but because of her heart having been so overworked compensating for her underproductive lungs, she also would need a heart transplant. It's so surreal to refer to her in the past tense. I called her sister/roommate/BFF last night and the traveled up to their home this morning and helped her clean their apartment in preparation of her out of town family coming to visit. Her sister, Kim, was the first work friend I had after moving to Dallas in 2003. I know she'll be lost as they spent practically every day of their life together.

I am and want to be so excited about the potential advances in my career that came this week but I don't feel like celebrating just yet and without one of my biggest cheerleaders my determination to not disappoint her has to prevail.

I hope she knew how much I loved her - I hope you do too.

-J.R.

 Oh, horse shit.

Bud left his mark on this audition in more ways than one.  Can I tell you how (and I think this term is VERY overused) blessed I am to have friends like the McAlister's?  I got an audition last week for a Doordash commercial from Beth Sepko.  I've waited for years to be called in for anything she'd been working on - a couple of 5 and unders over the past 7 years have been sent and now 2 auditions in one week!!  Am I finally on the "let's look at him list?"  But, the picture above is a result of the second audition request and was for the new untitled Taylor Sheridan project that will be shooting in Oklahoma starring Sylvester Stallone.  The role of "groomer" and the actor has to have expertise in horse training or, from I could tell reading between the lines, at least very comfortable around horses.  I'm no expert but I did have a horse when I was a child and from a very young age until being a young adult, there were horses either behind my mother's house belonging to family members or I'd be invited to trail rides.  Basically, I've been around them most of my life until moving to Dallas.  When this audition came in the first thing I thought was "I'll raid Molly and Scarlet McAlister's bag!" So, that I did and I don't know who had more fun: Scarlett, myself, or the horse(es)!  Bud is Molly's horse and a real sweetheart.  

We taped for about 2 hours different things until we felt it looked casual enough and professional enough - due to us laughing just about the entire time.  Kids running around, Linda popping her head in to talk to the pigs, and the other horses wanting their camera time.  Afterwards I went on an ATV ride with Scarlett's husband, Chris.  Is there anything more fun that men with their toys?  I'd never heard of a Polaris Highlifter before but it was like off-roading in an open air small truck that could climb a wall.  I grew up on acreage and all things outdoors so this was like being a kid again but with better toys and people who are just good people.  

Of course I want to book this role - who would not??  But, the real takeaway is that I have some very awesome friends that know I'd do anything for them and here's proof they're happy to have me in their fold.

Other things I love?  You!

 

Seriously?! 

Booked and currently airing commercial for Seconds and Surplus.  

I'm not going to lie that it feels good to have a commercial running in the DFW area that everyone can see and get texts like the one above from friends.  A little affirmation never hurt anyone.

Even though it never leaves my mind that the end goal is to book a role on a TV series or movie - of which I've been lucky enough to have a couple of each under my belt - most Monday nights in my acting class our teacher, Toni, reminds us that booking a commercial in the interim is what will keep us afloat.  She's right and this one helped with the rent.  I feel that every time I step in front of the camera that I'm getting paid to practice for the next (and hopefully better) project.  This particular project is four different segments with three other actors and mine is the first segment to air.  Was I the best?  Obviously.  

I've learned a lot in the past 7 years since making acting my soul profession and have grown into what I consider a very competent performer.  It's not been easy but what new profession is?  

I'm throwing it out there - I'm ready for more.  More can be more commercial bookings, more strides in a script I wrote, or even a nice five and under in a network series with a budget.  If you're reading this, speak out loud that you'd like something more for me, too.  Positive energy will only help!

XO

 The list of entertainment one won't find on Amazon Prime is certainly shorter than what can be found.

I find myself finding more to watch that fits my mood on Amazon but, I gotta' tell ya', there is some really BAD stuff out there.  Recently I got a text from an old neighbor telling me that she'd watched "The Tender Bar" on Amazon and that it reminded her of me in so many ways and not just that the main character's name was JR.  So, I dived in and watched it.  It had some heavy hitters in there; Ben Affleck, Lily Rabe, Christopher Lloyd, Tye Sheridan, and it was directed by George Clooney.  I love a good period flick and the surroundings and set design was palatable - but that's where it ended.  Except for Tye Sheridan, I like the actors in the starring roles and have enjoyed them for years.  I did not enjoy this movie at all.  Everything felt forced and if people in my life actually acted like how the characters were portrayed, I'd ask them to leave.  I expected more, and by more I mean simply believable, from everyone.  The writing was so awkward and I don't know why it was so necessary to speak every feeling and action but they did.  Ben Affleck's character got on my nerves so badly that I almost turned it off and Tye's performance was so grating that I did have to get up a few times just to push on through.  Also, background actors in a period piece that DON'T know how to smoke cigarettes - DON'T give them a cigarette!  It's like giving someone a glass of water and telling them to not use their arms and hands to pick it up and drink it.  I felt like I wanted a refund on my hour and a half.  The message was so good and there was so much potential but I can't tell you if it was horrible because of lack luster acting, bad directing, or the fact it was an Amazon studios production.  There is a scene where JR (the main character) goes to his abusive fathers house where he's shacking up with a woman and those two have a fight and you can hear her off screen getting slapped and she drops the baked chicken and veggies on the floor then JR walks in and sees her on the floor, the mess, and his father exiting the kitchen - seems simple enough.  However, the next time we see the girlfriend she's put the chicken back in the pan and is standing there looking at JR.  We never hear her rattle the aluminum pan (but in 1960 it would have been wager ware or pyrex as a kitchen staple) and who the fuck picks up a chicken off the floor and puts it back in the container.  She's also starring at JR and what abused woman stands there looking at another man after she's been clobbered and stands there like a tree full of owls?  She'd hide to avoid round two.  I'd have to watch this one again to really follow it because I was drawn out too many times on non-probable segments but I can't give them another hour and a half of my time.

And casting?  Don't get me started on how little JR that looks like the 5 year old version of Billy Zane in Titanic somehow grows up to to look like a 21 year old Jimmy Durante with a perm...REALLY!

Do you understand what other people are thinking?  Probably not if you don't take the time to understand what you are thinking.  

First, I'd like to state that I am not a psychologist.  I did minor is that field in college but only by accident. I do have the ability to size up a room, person, or group of people in about a minute and when I'm lucky enough to talk to someone I can make my mind up about them in about 5 minutes.  Even though I usually don't change my mind - I will give them more than one opportunity to identify themselves.  Everyone gives clues about themselves on what they're able to compute and also give back to others.  I do consider myself a giving person with respect to time and thoughtfulness.  If I don't like you, those generosities are used in extreme moderation and if I DO like you they're given in spades.  These will always be situations that I'm in control of my interactions like social settings and relationships - in other words, everyday life.  A favorite thing of mine is listening to people.  The old adage of "I have two ears and one mouth" really is a thing.  I also feel it's important to be able to understand what's going on in a conversation so one can identify how far it can be taken.  A guilty pleasure of mine is to have that knowledge and push the other person to their limit of comfortability and watch them try to internalize what's going on without understanding what's going on.  These are people that I feel avoid knowing themselves.  People who avoid themselves, in my opinion, usually have a set image of themselves they're not meeting and unless they're - not necessarily by definition a sociopath - not able to have empathy, should be able to break down their own walls and come to terms with what they have to offer the world and themselves.

Empathy.  I fell it's important to have empathy with yourself.  Let yourself know it's okay to not be able to do some things and know it's also okay to want to do more than you have in the past but also understand the clear path to get there.  Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes but those mistakes are blessings to help us grow and in turn notice imperfections in other that make them interesting and help us decide if we want to have them in our lives or realize they're only adding to our own dysfunction.  

For instance, I had a conversation with an acquaintance just today and it was clear that he wasn't grasping a philosophy I was expressing and instead of asking what I meant, he immediately dismissed me and then stated his years of experience in this particular subject.  I wanted to welcome his input but the aggressive nature of his statements of fact and also from a previous vein of our conversation where he stated he likes to call the shots while at the gym and has no tolerance for a workout partner and he is a certified personal trainer gave me the context clues that I wouldn't be able to toss out some topics to ponder and would only be schooled on the facts and not possibility of thought.  I respectively changed the subject.  I don't always have to be right and I even laugh at absurdities I blunder out sometimes but this person would not be able to laugh or pontificate outside his realm of security.  Frankly, I found it fascinating.

Everyday life is so interesting.  Laughs, bouts of anger, tangents of frustration, peace, and hostility are around us everyday.  Deciding to not forcibly cause distress upon others is being graceful and also, at times, unselfish when we want to get a point across but realize that making our point is less important than causing other people to implode.  I can be a very impending person and have even been called aggressive - that can be true.  I can also be any color of the rainbow when vodka is present.  But I feel my greatest strength is assessing a situation and knowing when it's practical to assert my dominance or when to simply keep my mouth shut.  

Now, something for my actor friends, how about finding the empathy in a script/sides?  Understanding what a character is going though is a very important task that must be completed.  What do they want?  What do they want from others?  What are they scared to hear from others?  What are they scared to learn about themselves?  What are they happy to learn about others?  What are they happy to learn about themselves?  What are they willing to learn about themselves/others?  The parallels between "them" and "you/us" is in the form a razor thin line.  It's alright to not have all the answers but it's never alright to not get them or not "die trying".  The more we understand about ourselves, the more we understand about others.  The more we understand our character (in a script) the more we understand about the other characters in the script and how we empathize with them.  And, when we don't quite grasp what's going on - look for context clues to help fill in the gaps.  Most sides have enough nuggets in there to help us assess what has, is, or is about to happen.  If we're lucky enough to have a mentor or coach help us, we need to have enough compassion for our craft to accept their input and use it.  Otherwise, it's like being out of gas, someone giving us a can full and we leave it sitting on the curb and continue to try to start the engine.  It might be funny for one second but you can be guaranteed that offer won't come again and that's at your expense. 

 I'll have one debilitating hangover, please.

Things that should make you hesitate: discount heart surgery, putting your hand in an open flame, and the "SUNDAY FUNDAY" text from you favorite alcoholic friend. 

It started at 1:45 and ended at 7pm.  My favorite bartender doesn't always add all my drinks to the tab so it's hard to say if I had 3 drinks or 23.  I do know that transferring from one bar to the another, the final barkeep took my drink order and just handed me the cashed out ticket, he didn't even offer to open a tab so I leaned in and asked "Should I go home" to which he replied "yes". 

I'm a little worse for ware today - words are hard.  I did sleep from 7:30 to 6:30, so that's a huge plus.  The downside is I don't know who these people are that have sent me text messages.  I purposefully didn't take my phone with me because I can't trust myself not to do really fucked up shit when I get really fucked up - my friends are tired of getting a picture of the tip of my dick and a urinal asking if they day was draining.  I also need to remember to NOT give my phone number to anyone.  I just can't remember the next day who they are.  I'm fairly certain I got married last night.

If you'll excuse me - I need to walk down to the strip and retrieve my car.  

I wonder if I took a nap on the way home last night.  I don't feel molested so I'm going to guess not.

Happy President's Day!

 Can we talk about spelling things correctly for just a moment?

I realize that there have always been poor spellers in the world and heaven knows that I've made countless mistakes in reports, emails, and personal correspondences over the years; however, is there an excuse to acknowledge that you THINK you misspelled something knowing that you clearly did?  We all have the internet in our hands at any moment and there is no doubt you can almost spell something correctly then Google will automatically correct it or suggest the nearest thing for your review. 

One of my mother's nicknames was "MS. WEBSTER" because she really did have a photographic memory and knew spellings and definitions of, unless I'm off my guess, at least 80% of the English language.  I was never scolded for poor spelling or grammatical errors but they were definitely pointed out to me for correction.  I will never forget the time I asked my mother how to spell suede and she in turn asked me how I thought it was spelled - she really set me up for this - I responded "s-w-a-d-e".  She might have laughed for a week and told anyone who would listen.  S-U-E-D-E!

I feel like if someone doesn't at the very least re-read their messages, posts, or writings before they send them on - it's lazy.  It irks me when I get a text message and the sender misconjugates a word or uses the wrong spelling like: to, too, two.   I always respond first with "*too" or whatever the correct use is.  I'm an asshole.  I'm also smart and use that knowledge - for one thing, I fucking paid for it.  

Is the wold today going to hell in a wheelbarrow?  Can they even SPELL wheelbarrow?

 I own it. 

A little creativity I've been working on for a few years now has finally reached a new pinnacle.  What started as an assignment in a script writing class Del Shores gave about five years ago actually took the form of grief therapy after my mother died in 2015.  First it was a short, one scene script that got a little longer with time then I decided to draw it out to a little over an hour's worth of screen time.  I asked many people to read it and everyone said they would but nobody ever actually did.  For years I would read and rewrite things until the language flowed the way I wanted it to but never thinking any more about it than a little piece of copy.

When the pandemic shut the world down two years ago and a  I sat and watched it unfold on social media, I noticed a post from a newly acquired friend on Facebook on April 22, 2020.  She was offering to teach individuals how to pitch scripts and ideas but I reached out to her and asked if she would read my screenplay and give me feedback - she said yes.  For a reasonably agreed upon payment she dove into my script and offered some very valuable advice on some issues with "is this or is this not interesting?" and "WTF are you trying to say?".  In the end her advice was besides a few missteps, considering this was my first rattle out of the box, it was a very good script and I had a real grasp for dialog which is NOT something one can be taught - either you have it or you don't.   I wanted her to read it again after I did my adjustments she suggested but eventually she was too busy producing a HULU series and also pitching a new series of her own.  Pat Resnick was the first person to give real validation to my work and I'll be forever grateful to her - I also love her work as well.  

Now, let's move on to the latest phase of this script development.  I took a chance on asking two of my mentors to read my stack.  Now, through life and living, one has read it and the other is trying to catch up with prior obligations and get to it.  The powerhouse that has read it gave me the biggest validation I didn't really know I wanted.  First there were accolades, then suggestions, a small rewrite, and now I'm sharing my work via "sides" for my fellow actors to actually audition with my original material.  I'm going to get to hear my own words spoken and I really can't describe how that feels.  Going from "maybe this is alright" to "fucking great" is cloud nine material.  

We're now copyrighted, both through the US copyright office and a poor man's version of mailing my own script to myself.  What happens next?  That same mentor said she has people that are interested in a script to make into a movie - will it be mine?...

 Gin Gin and Doll Baby.

This photo was taken on 12/25/1970.  Mothers and daughters experience a lot of things together - buying clothes, taking trips, cooking meals, etc.  In the span of two years, they both experienced being widows.  My mother's first husband died in 4/21/1968 and my grandfather died 12/19/1970.  I don't know what it was like for two people stricken with grief to battle that anguish together, but they did.  

I always thought of these two as my mother and my grandmother.  I talked to these people about things that happened in my present day, at the time, and where I did ask them about things that happened in the past - I didn't experience those things at the same time.  

I had a special conversation with a mentor of mine, Toni Brock, last week and we both talked about how we take for granted what we know about our parents.  We only knew them from the time we entered the world but these had an entire life before we entered it.  My grandmother was the type of person that looked exactly the same at 6pm as she did at 6am - never a hair out of place or a wrinkle in her clothing.  She would empty the ashtray before you could snub out your cigarette and according to one of my older cousins, you could barely get your panties pulled up before she was scrubbing out the toilet.  Looking back on all this, she was definitely what we now call, OCD.  She was a "safe bet" person that kept her investments low risk and all of her affairs in order up to the minute.  After I was born she had colon cancer in 1987 and slowly wasted away until 1995 - she loved to laugh but she wasn't the same person after her illness, as we can surely understand.  She traveled to San Diego, CA, in 1943 on the promise that my grandfather would marry her and worked in a Chinese laundry until she moved back to Arkansas to give birth to my mother after my grandfather was deployed for service in WWII.  My grandparents were only married 27 years but after 1970, she proved herself to be a very independent woman.  She was the statistician for International Paper Co. in Camden, AR, and not even for the times - she made a very comfortable living for herself and also provided for other members of our family in their times of need.  One of my cousins, Gary, who my grandparents helped raise, said to me "Gin Gin could afford to buy a new car every two years on interest alone from her investments."  Even though I thought it was a little crass for him to say that it did give me a sense of pride of how she took care of herself and others.

Now, Doll Baby, my mother, was the exact opposite of her mother.  She was born a free spirit and an only child so she was not just used to ALL the attention, she demanded it.  She was one of those people that did whatever she wanted and knew that she had a dependable mother to fall back on if times got too tough.  If mom had $5, she spent $6.  If she wanted to sit and read books for the entire weekend as every dish in the house pilled up in the sink, that's exactly what she did.  Or if a friend stopped by on her motorcycle and said "you wanna to to San Antonio with me?" - away they went.  I realized when I was in my early 20's and at a pre-going out cocktail party that the peculiar smell I was in was not only my friends smoking pot - it was a smell I'd noticed my entire early childhood after I went to bed.  My mother was a gypsy, a bohemian, most well read, and she could piss me off in less than half an hour while we watched Jeopardy and she could question more than 90% of all the answers.  I loved her for all her qualities and in spite of the others.

If I could ask each of them one thing I think I'd like to know what their goals were when they were my age today because I know how it all turned out.

 Requested, confirmed, BOOKED.

We love to hear these things!  

 This was, however, a trial in what I preach to others.  Whenever I hear talent complaining on set about how long it's taking to film something or that their spot isn't starting on time I always tell them: "You're booked for the entire day - that means the entire day". 

A few days ago the request to audition for this spot came around and it said "Between $1,700-$1,800 for 3 spots".  Then we were told, after we were booked, that it would pay $700 for 1 spot.  Ugh, OK.  Look, it's $700 more than I had.  We also got two different revisions, right up to the minute, on our shoot schedule.  Mine was originally at 12:30pm, then it was changed the day before to 10:30 with an actress coming in at 11:00.  I figured I'd be done before lunch so I scheduled a reader at 3:00 to knock out an audition for a flick in ATL.  I showed up at 10:00 and the chick that came after me was called to set before me.  Then the PA said to me "I didn't eve know you were here".  Well, introduced myself to you when I got here at 10, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear on who I was.  Then the director called for the actress and said to me "We'll get to you as soon as we can but it'll probably be after lunch", I'll do whatever you need me to but I'll need to rearrange my afternoon.  "Do you need to be somewhere?"  I just have to be home by 3:00.  It was a little awkward.

When the lunch bell rang and we all gathered to get our box of Church's chicken, I approached the director and apologized.  I said that I was clear for whatever he needed and I didn't mean to make a special case out of myself.  He shook my hand sand said that he'd manage to get me where I need to be and thanked me.  And that he did.

I felt like a complete ass.  Even though I wasn't rude, I did make an awkward situation and went against everything that I know to be true when you show up to set.  I'll just tuck this away and remember when I'm planning my day around a shoot in the future.  Even I can make a mistake.  :)

 Whatever it was I said I didn't do it - but I did.

Every September there was a Knight family reunion at White Oak Lake State Park at the pavilion.  This was my grandmother's, Virginia, side of the family and it was the second weekend of the month around the time of my great grandmother, Josie, and her sister, Trudy, birthday they shared.  There would be no less than one hundred people that would turn out for the full day of visiting and playing on the shore.  The ice chests and Chevy pickup you see were Uncle Peewee's and there were more like 10 chests that he'd ice down more canned drinks than you've ever seen in your life.  We could have as many as we wanted and you'd usually see each kid, at one time or another, puke behind a tree - not tell anyone - and run back and get another coke.  

I remember those days like they were yesterday.  Everyone eating potluck, more hugs and laughs than you could shake a stick at.  I'd usually hide behind my mother or grandmother or sneak off by myself and walk the trails or run down to the boat dock and throw things in the lake.  I was so incredibly shy and I'd usually   get scolded for such by other family members but that's not really what I remember so well.  

You know that feeling when you're not just happy but so is everyone else around you?  That's the best way to describe it.  50 to 60 cars parked along the pine tree lined drive leading up to the pavilion and nobody leaving until the sun started to dip behind the trees over the lake.  Babies crying, old people laughing, young people telling jokes, boats speeding by, paddle boats splashing in the water.  I never remember a dog being there but I do remember the squirrels coming close and the birds flying up in the rafters and my grandmother shooing them away saying "get out of here you nasty bastard".  If she really hated something, she'd call out their worst feature and end it with bastard - like Kojak was "that bald headed bastard" and Columbo was "that cross-eyed bastard".  (I'm laughing so hard remembering that).

After spending the Christmas and New Year holidays alone and talking to a few of my older cousins last weekend, my mind is wondering to those little places I remember when I was a tiny one and up through my teens.  They're good memories.  

 YOU SUCK!

Have you ever stopped to think how long you've either owned an appliance or how long you've used a certain brand?  My mother bought a used demo model Rainbow vacuum cleaner in 1993 and even though it was more difficult to use than the Kirby vac we had at the time, it was an instant staple in her home and now mine.  When mom got a new(er) model in the early 2000's, she gave me the old one and I used it until around 2014 when it quite literally blew up while using it.  20 years - not too shabby.  The following week or so I was at a thrift store and a lady was dragging what appeared to be an identical model out of her SUV and I walked over to the worker and said "I'll buy that right now - name your price" - Um, $20.  "Um, sold".  I hadn't thrown away all the attachments from the one that mom had so I incorporated and threw away the most used ones and voila - back in business.  

This past week I filled up the water basin,  hooked everything together, and headed out the back door to vacuum out the car and the top clear plastic compartment let go of the motor housing and two big wires were dangling loose from the disconnect.  The holes the screws had been in had disintegrated.   Dammit!

I picked everything up and emptied out the rest of the water from the basin and headed inside.  I looked up "Rainbow sales and service" on the internet.  The service part was key since they're independently sold by representatives - and I found a shop locally.  I waited 2 hours for the shop to open and while waiting I looked at their Facebook page.  For the past 3 years there were CONSTANT posts about "shop local" and how hard it is to make a living if people don't shop and give their business to small mom and pop shops like theirs.  OK, I'm a small business myself - I'll call and whatever they say I'll do and I will spend up to $250 to get this thing fixed because it should last another however many years.  

RING RING - Hello?  I explained the problem, sorry, I TRIED to explain the problem but I only got ass far to say mine was a 1993 model; "Sorry, I can't do anything with those.  The parts are obsolete and nobody works on those anymore.  I could sell you a new one and give you $200 trade for yours but I'll just throw it away."  Well, I have seen parts available online; "Excuse me sir but those are crappy Chinese parts from China and good luck actually getting one".  Well, If I could get this housing part can I bring it all to you an...; "No.  We can't...............No, it's just not worth the time."  Final answer, Joe?  "Yeah, sorry but I'd just buy a new one."  Well, a new one isn't exactly in my budget right now.  Do you have a refurbished one?  What are those prices?  "No.  Haven't had one since the pandemic started."  If you'll take my name and number, I'd gladly accept a call if you get one in.  "Nah, probably won't be getting any in to rebuild".  Well, Joe, have a great day. "Uh-huh, you too man.".  Click.

Now, I tried to take the bastard apart myself and figure out how to replace the broken part but the guff comes from disconnecting the wires from the on/off switch.  You have to have a new switch because when the wires come out (to remove all of them through a specific hole in the top of the housing) the back of the switch breaks and they wires don't go back in.  I now understand why Joe was hesitant but I mean, I found a new fucking switch and I put the thing back together with a used housing and it took me about 2 hours labor total and 4 days to wait in the parts (that weren't from China).  

Since I'm no expert on these things and I can't guarantee my own work - I'm on the lookout for a new(er) model to replace the one I just fixed.  Then, I'll take her to the same thrift store I bought her from and let someone else enjoy some time together.  

As I re-read this I'm wondering - am I the only person I know that will actually fix something instead of throwing it away and buying a new one?  

Happy 2022!