I was 5 years old in this picture on Christmas morning in 1984.  I got the red robe on Christmas Eve and the Bullwinkle was from Santa.  I remember this Christmas - we were living in El Droado, AR at the time and this is in the living room of our home.  Christmas was the most exciting time ever back then.  Gifts and anticipation to see what Santa had brought and then driving over to Camden later on Christmas Day to see family by the dozens.

I miss this.  Not just he simple mindset of a childhood but the togetherness we all had as a family.  Being surprised by who got to "come home" and the countless laughs and stories I could hear even though I didn't quite understand most of them.  

This is a hard Christmas for everyone, I more than understand that.  It's been a year of MANY changes for me and I knew going into this holiday season in the midst of a pandemic would be a trying time and it is.  Being away working on a remote project did bring me a great deal of joy and accomplishment but at the end of the day to not have someone to share it with or phone and tell about my day and excitement did take away from the beauty of the day.

There is someone who now lives in northwest Arkansas with a cute little white dog that I miss very much. So much.  At 41 I'm starting over and 90% of it is exciting but there's the times that I'm by myself and alone that my mind starts to wonder.  I feel that when I'm able to start to afford things I want again like a new sofa at a whim or a 4 day get away and not stress over the cost, I'll be in a better place.  Counting pennies has always been an obsession and delight for me.  I love rat holing money and saving - it's always been a game to me.  See how much I can save and then splurge by spending exactly 1/2 of it and starting the cycle over with the remainder.  

Someone once told me that I love money.  I don't think that's true but I do love the independence it gives a person.  I'm learning, or rather, realizing again that it's good to be self reliant.  It's not easy though.  Along with missing certain people I miss the larger gatherings of family and the unexpected surprises of who will be there.  I'm not sad during the holidays but I do miss some of the rituals of my childhood.  I look forward to this pandemic being over.  I look forward to a busy 2021.