A lot does but when one thing doesn't you forget all the times they did.

It's been a really challenging week on top of an already challenging week before.  After sitting around for days on a non-existent hold for a commercial last week low to the high of getting pinned for a CBS show, Walker, then being released to casting coming back to check if I'm still available for the shoot dates (4/4-4/6) to the 4th being tomorrow and no other word on why they wanted to confirm my availability ... I'm more than a little worked up.  There were 4 theatrical auditions last week for my ATL agent as well as 3 commercial auditions for TX.  Any working actor can attest to how draining it can be to get basically an audition a day and where I'm not complaining - I am ready for these to turn into bookings.  Well, here comes another one for Whataburger!

Since the first of this year I've tried to put myself out there more to make new acquaintances and initially it's very easy to approach someone and when they get past being intimidated, talk to them.  For as long as I can remember that's the first thing people say is that they are intimidated by me.  I try to take it as a compliment but for fuck's sake - really?  I mean, I feel like I'm an  affable person but at the same time I'm reminded that in the "gay world of Dallas" you're not really friends - you're a hopeful fuck buddy for a while then someone to be ghosted later.  I'm no saint.  I have needs just like everyone else.  I also experience hurt feelings and embarrassment (which I usually laugh at because - why not?), joy, anger, but most of all compassion.  If I take the time to engage in a conversation with someone (given they're not a raging asshole - even though those folks can be fun too) I'd like to get to know them.  I'm a ridiculously good story teller and intelligent enough to be a chameleon when necessary.  I've been known to stretch the truth in good southern form but for the life of me I will never understand why people just blatantly lie - to my face.  I take that back - I do understand, but I have to really like you to have enough mental bandwidth to certify the exact reason that person is broken...broken in a way that their lies are their reality because their actual reality is a place they can't live comfortably.  I have found all my life that making friends is not easy and as I get older it seems even more difficult.  People even 5 years younger are difficult to get to know and anyone younger, they're basically socially retarded.  

But, still I persist.  I don't know if it's that I have a heart the size of Texas that others perceive as the size of an un-soaked pinto bean or that people in general are just too self absorbed to care about others time and personal value or if they just simply don't know how and are ignorant of interpersonal relationships.  There are times I wish I didn't have that drive to help others (especially when they don't fucking ask for it) but then after a few beers and some quiet time I do realize that's what makes me the unique person I am.  After all, for all the above mentioned reasons I don't understand (even though I really do) the bass-ackwards way most people communicate, I do know how and do it very well.  

This has been weighing on my mind for several months.  The hardest breakup I ever had was two years ago after nine years with the same person.  Going from 32 to 41 is a huge chunk of time and changes in everything from financial independence to no longer having a perky chest and butt.  I guess after two years of trying to figure out how I will support myself both mentally and financially I've finally come around to the reality that I'm lonely.  I'm not alone and sad but there are more times recently where I just want someone to be sitting next to me and talk to them.  I can get a hole wrapped around my dick any day of the week but never a problem was solved with sex alone.  I mean, the only thing to say afterwards is "Goodbye, thanks for cumming".

As I finish typing this my friend Chris sent me a text saying he'd be up for a sip on the strip later.  That makes me feel good.  So did my breakfast at Market Diner this morning.  I choose for it to be a great day.

XO

-J.R.