A lot does but when one thing doesn't you forget all the times they did.

It's been a really challenging week on top of an already challenging week before.  After sitting around for days on a non-existent hold for a commercial last week low to the high of getting pinned for a CBS show, Walker, then being released to casting coming back to check if I'm still available for the shoot dates (4/4-4/6) to the 4th being tomorrow and no other word on why they wanted to confirm my availability ... I'm more than a little worked up.  There were 4 theatrical auditions last week for my ATL agent as well as 3 commercial auditions for TX.  Any working actor can attest to how draining it can be to get basically an audition a day and where I'm not complaining - I am ready for these to turn into bookings.  Well, here comes another one for Whataburger!

Since the first of this year I've tried to put myself out there more to make new acquaintances and initially it's very easy to approach someone and when they get past being intimidated, talk to them.  For as long as I can remember that's the first thing people say is that they are intimidated by me.  I try to take it as a compliment but for fuck's sake - really?  I mean, I feel like I'm an  affable person but at the same time I'm reminded that in the "gay world of Dallas" you're not really friends - you're a hopeful fuck buddy for a while then someone to be ghosted later.  I'm no saint.  I have needs just like everyone else.  I also experience hurt feelings and embarrassment (which I usually laugh at because - why not?), joy, anger, but most of all compassion.  If I take the time to engage in a conversation with someone (given they're not a raging asshole - even though those folks can be fun too) I'd like to get to know them.  I'm a ridiculously good story teller and intelligent enough to be a chameleon when necessary.  I've been known to stretch the truth in good southern form but for the life of me I will never understand why people just blatantly lie - to my face.  I take that back - I do understand, but I have to really like you to have enough mental bandwidth to certify the exact reason that person is broken...broken in a way that their lies are their reality because their actual reality is a place they can't live comfortably.  I have found all my life that making friends is not easy and as I get older it seems even more difficult.  People even 5 years younger are difficult to get to know and anyone younger, they're basically socially retarded.  

But, still I persist.  I don't know if it's that I have a heart the size of Texas that others perceive as the size of an un-soaked pinto bean or that people in general are just too self absorbed to care about others time and personal value or if they just simply don't know how and are ignorant of interpersonal relationships.  There are times I wish I didn't have that drive to help others (especially when they don't fucking ask for it) but then after a few beers and some quiet time I do realize that's what makes me the unique person I am.  After all, for all the above mentioned reasons I don't understand (even though I really do) the bass-ackwards way most people communicate, I do know how and do it very well.  

This has been weighing on my mind for several months.  The hardest breakup I ever had was two years ago after nine years with the same person.  Going from 32 to 41 is a huge chunk of time and changes in everything from financial independence to no longer having a perky chest and butt.  I guess after two years of trying to figure out how I will support myself both mentally and financially I've finally come around to the reality that I'm lonely.  I'm not alone and sad but there are more times recently where I just want someone to be sitting next to me and talk to them.  I can get a hole wrapped around my dick any day of the week but never a problem was solved with sex alone.  I mean, the only thing to say afterwards is "Goodbye, thanks for cumming".

As I finish typing this my friend Chris sent me a text saying he'd be up for a sip on the strip later.  That makes me feel good.  So did my breakfast at Market Diner this morning.  I choose for it to be a great day.

XO

-J.R.

 Torn.

It's been a week of the highest highs and the lowest lows.  From the previous week of getting two auditions from Beth Sepko in Austin, one for a commercial that I was unofficially put on hold for a featured background role to turn to OCP that never panned out (deduced from not hearing back a solitary word up until the shoot day) to this week getting an email from my agent that I'm pinned for Season 2 Ep.17 of Walker as the co-star bad guy that's the focus of the episode.  Pretty major.  I've waited 7 years to even get pinned and it finally happened.  

Tuesday was a friend of mine, Kris Gentry's,  birthday - the big 60!  Kris can be described as a giant ball of consideration and the first to set expectations of any situation while making you feel like you're the only person in the room as she hangs on every word you have to say.  About six months go she was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis and immediately started, in her words, sporting a very fashionable portable oxygen machine - suitable for any occasion. Yesterday she lost her battle with IFP after finding out on her birthday that she not only would need a double lung transplant but because of her heart having been so overworked compensating for her underproductive lungs, she also would need a heart transplant. It's so surreal to refer to her in the past tense. I called her sister/roommate/BFF last night and the traveled up to their home this morning and helped her clean their apartment in preparation of her out of town family coming to visit. Her sister, Kim, was the first work friend I had after moving to Dallas in 2003. I know she'll be lost as they spent practically every day of their life together.

I am and want to be so excited about the potential advances in my career that came this week but I don't feel like celebrating just yet and without one of my biggest cheerleaders my determination to not disappoint her has to prevail.

I hope she knew how much I loved her - I hope you do too.

-J.R.

 Oh, horse shit.

Bud left his mark on this audition in more ways than one.  Can I tell you how (and I think this term is VERY overused) blessed I am to have friends like the McAlister's?  I got an audition last week for a Doordash commercial from Beth Sepko.  I've waited for years to be called in for anything she'd been working on - a couple of 5 and unders over the past 7 years have been sent and now 2 auditions in one week!!  Am I finally on the "let's look at him list?"  But, the picture above is a result of the second audition request and was for the new untitled Taylor Sheridan project that will be shooting in Oklahoma starring Sylvester Stallone.  The role of "groomer" and the actor has to have expertise in horse training or, from I could tell reading between the lines, at least very comfortable around horses.  I'm no expert but I did have a horse when I was a child and from a very young age until being a young adult, there were horses either behind my mother's house belonging to family members or I'd be invited to trail rides.  Basically, I've been around them most of my life until moving to Dallas.  When this audition came in the first thing I thought was "I'll raid Molly and Scarlet McAlister's bag!" So, that I did and I don't know who had more fun: Scarlett, myself, or the horse(es)!  Bud is Molly's horse and a real sweetheart.  

We taped for about 2 hours different things until we felt it looked casual enough and professional enough - due to us laughing just about the entire time.  Kids running around, Linda popping her head in to talk to the pigs, and the other horses wanting their camera time.  Afterwards I went on an ATV ride with Scarlett's husband, Chris.  Is there anything more fun that men with their toys?  I'd never heard of a Polaris Highlifter before but it was like off-roading in an open air small truck that could climb a wall.  I grew up on acreage and all things outdoors so this was like being a kid again but with better toys and people who are just good people.  

Of course I want to book this role - who would not??  But, the real takeaway is that I have some very awesome friends that know I'd do anything for them and here's proof they're happy to have me in their fold.

Other things I love?  You!

 

Seriously?! 

Booked and currently airing commercial for Seconds and Surplus.  

I'm not going to lie that it feels good to have a commercial running in the DFW area that everyone can see and get texts like the one above from friends.  A little affirmation never hurt anyone.

Even though it never leaves my mind that the end goal is to book a role on a TV series or movie - of which I've been lucky enough to have a couple of each under my belt - most Monday nights in my acting class our teacher, Toni, reminds us that booking a commercial in the interim is what will keep us afloat.  She's right and this one helped with the rent.  I feel that every time I step in front of the camera that I'm getting paid to practice for the next (and hopefully better) project.  This particular project is four different segments with three other actors and mine is the first segment to air.  Was I the best?  Obviously.  

I've learned a lot in the past 7 years since making acting my soul profession and have grown into what I consider a very competent performer.  It's not been easy but what new profession is?  

I'm throwing it out there - I'm ready for more.  More can be more commercial bookings, more strides in a script I wrote, or even a nice five and under in a network series with a budget.  If you're reading this, speak out loud that you'd like something more for me, too.  Positive energy will only help!

XO

 The list of entertainment one won't find on Amazon Prime is certainly shorter than what can be found.

I find myself finding more to watch that fits my mood on Amazon but, I gotta' tell ya', there is some really BAD stuff out there.  Recently I got a text from an old neighbor telling me that she'd watched "The Tender Bar" on Amazon and that it reminded her of me in so many ways and not just that the main character's name was JR.  So, I dived in and watched it.  It had some heavy hitters in there; Ben Affleck, Lily Rabe, Christopher Lloyd, Tye Sheridan, and it was directed by George Clooney.  I love a good period flick and the surroundings and set design was palatable - but that's where it ended.  Except for Tye Sheridan, I like the actors in the starring roles and have enjoyed them for years.  I did not enjoy this movie at all.  Everything felt forced and if people in my life actually acted like how the characters were portrayed, I'd ask them to leave.  I expected more, and by more I mean simply believable, from everyone.  The writing was so awkward and I don't know why it was so necessary to speak every feeling and action but they did.  Ben Affleck's character got on my nerves so badly that I almost turned it off and Tye's performance was so grating that I did have to get up a few times just to push on through.  Also, background actors in a period piece that DON'T know how to smoke cigarettes - DON'T give them a cigarette!  It's like giving someone a glass of water and telling them to not use their arms and hands to pick it up and drink it.  I felt like I wanted a refund on my hour and a half.  The message was so good and there was so much potential but I can't tell you if it was horrible because of lack luster acting, bad directing, or the fact it was an Amazon studios production.  There is a scene where JR (the main character) goes to his abusive fathers house where he's shacking up with a woman and those two have a fight and you can hear her off screen getting slapped and she drops the baked chicken and veggies on the floor then JR walks in and sees her on the floor, the mess, and his father exiting the kitchen - seems simple enough.  However, the next time we see the girlfriend she's put the chicken back in the pan and is standing there looking at JR.  We never hear her rattle the aluminum pan (but in 1960 it would have been wager ware or pyrex as a kitchen staple) and who the fuck picks up a chicken off the floor and puts it back in the container.  She's also starring at JR and what abused woman stands there looking at another man after she's been clobbered and stands there like a tree full of owls?  She'd hide to avoid round two.  I'd have to watch this one again to really follow it because I was drawn out too many times on non-probable segments but I can't give them another hour and a half of my time.

And casting?  Don't get me started on how little JR that looks like the 5 year old version of Billy Zane in Titanic somehow grows up to to look like a 21 year old Jimmy Durante with a perm...REALLY!

Do you understand what other people are thinking?  Probably not if you don't take the time to understand what you are thinking.  

First, I'd like to state that I am not a psychologist.  I did minor is that field in college but only by accident. I do have the ability to size up a room, person, or group of people in about a minute and when I'm lucky enough to talk to someone I can make my mind up about them in about 5 minutes.  Even though I usually don't change my mind - I will give them more than one opportunity to identify themselves.  Everyone gives clues about themselves on what they're able to compute and also give back to others.  I do consider myself a giving person with respect to time and thoughtfulness.  If I don't like you, those generosities are used in extreme moderation and if I DO like you they're given in spades.  These will always be situations that I'm in control of my interactions like social settings and relationships - in other words, everyday life.  A favorite thing of mine is listening to people.  The old adage of "I have two ears and one mouth" really is a thing.  I also feel it's important to be able to understand what's going on in a conversation so one can identify how far it can be taken.  A guilty pleasure of mine is to have that knowledge and push the other person to their limit of comfortability and watch them try to internalize what's going on without understanding what's going on.  These are people that I feel avoid knowing themselves.  People who avoid themselves, in my opinion, usually have a set image of themselves they're not meeting and unless they're - not necessarily by definition a sociopath - not able to have empathy, should be able to break down their own walls and come to terms with what they have to offer the world and themselves.

Empathy.  I fell it's important to have empathy with yourself.  Let yourself know it's okay to not be able to do some things and know it's also okay to want to do more than you have in the past but also understand the clear path to get there.  Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes but those mistakes are blessings to help us grow and in turn notice imperfections in other that make them interesting and help us decide if we want to have them in our lives or realize they're only adding to our own dysfunction.  

For instance, I had a conversation with an acquaintance just today and it was clear that he wasn't grasping a philosophy I was expressing and instead of asking what I meant, he immediately dismissed me and then stated his years of experience in this particular subject.  I wanted to welcome his input but the aggressive nature of his statements of fact and also from a previous vein of our conversation where he stated he likes to call the shots while at the gym and has no tolerance for a workout partner and he is a certified personal trainer gave me the context clues that I wouldn't be able to toss out some topics to ponder and would only be schooled on the facts and not possibility of thought.  I respectively changed the subject.  I don't always have to be right and I even laugh at absurdities I blunder out sometimes but this person would not be able to laugh or pontificate outside his realm of security.  Frankly, I found it fascinating.

Everyday life is so interesting.  Laughs, bouts of anger, tangents of frustration, peace, and hostility are around us everyday.  Deciding to not forcibly cause distress upon others is being graceful and also, at times, unselfish when we want to get a point across but realize that making our point is less important than causing other people to implode.  I can be a very impending person and have even been called aggressive - that can be true.  I can also be any color of the rainbow when vodka is present.  But I feel my greatest strength is assessing a situation and knowing when it's practical to assert my dominance or when to simply keep my mouth shut.  

Now, something for my actor friends, how about finding the empathy in a script/sides?  Understanding what a character is going though is a very important task that must be completed.  What do they want?  What do they want from others?  What are they scared to hear from others?  What are they scared to learn about themselves?  What are they happy to learn about others?  What are they happy to learn about themselves?  What are they willing to learn about themselves/others?  The parallels between "them" and "you/us" is in the form a razor thin line.  It's alright to not have all the answers but it's never alright to not get them or not "die trying".  The more we understand about ourselves, the more we understand about others.  The more we understand our character (in a script) the more we understand about the other characters in the script and how we empathize with them.  And, when we don't quite grasp what's going on - look for context clues to help fill in the gaps.  Most sides have enough nuggets in there to help us assess what has, is, or is about to happen.  If we're lucky enough to have a mentor or coach help us, we need to have enough compassion for our craft to accept their input and use it.  Otherwise, it's like being out of gas, someone giving us a can full and we leave it sitting on the curb and continue to try to start the engine.  It might be funny for one second but you can be guaranteed that offer won't come again and that's at your expense. 

 I'll have one debilitating hangover, please.

Things that should make you hesitate: discount heart surgery, putting your hand in an open flame, and the "SUNDAY FUNDAY" text from you favorite alcoholic friend. 

It started at 1:45 and ended at 7pm.  My favorite bartender doesn't always add all my drinks to the tab so it's hard to say if I had 3 drinks or 23.  I do know that transferring from one bar to the another, the final barkeep took my drink order and just handed me the cashed out ticket, he didn't even offer to open a tab so I leaned in and asked "Should I go home" to which he replied "yes". 

I'm a little worse for ware today - words are hard.  I did sleep from 7:30 to 6:30, so that's a huge plus.  The downside is I don't know who these people are that have sent me text messages.  I purposefully didn't take my phone with me because I can't trust myself not to do really fucked up shit when I get really fucked up - my friends are tired of getting a picture of the tip of my dick and a urinal asking if they day was draining.  I also need to remember to NOT give my phone number to anyone.  I just can't remember the next day who they are.  I'm fairly certain I got married last night.

If you'll excuse me - I need to walk down to the strip and retrieve my car.  

I wonder if I took a nap on the way home last night.  I don't feel molested so I'm going to guess not.

Happy President's Day!